Sassy Irish Pixie's blog: "Can't Sleep"

I'm starting to wonder if my nightmares will ever go away I've had them so long.  I wake up crying with my scream caught in my throat, trying to wipe away the blood that is no longer there.  It's as if Drake's death is happening all over again.  I even feel the sting of being grazed by the bullet as he pushes me out of the way.  I sometimes wish it was me that had died that night, but then I wouldn't have had my beautiful daughter Amaya.  I often sit in the shower for hours trying so hard to get the clotted blood out of my hair, but of course it isn't there anymore.  I have even shaved my head a few times, simply because I still feel the blood there.  I've tried talking to doctors, but they all try to tell me that they understand.  How can they understand?  Did the person that they would do anything for die in their arms after saving their lives?  Do they know what it feels like to hide from all of your friends because you don't want the same thing to happen to them or because of being afraid of being blamed?  I've even tried to be hypnotized to make the nightmares go away.  Does anyone know of anything that actually works??????  I am desperate.  I need to sleep.....