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It's been almost 3 months since my mom passed away. Everything has changed. Dad's moved in with my sister, mom's stuff is all gone to everywhere. My younger sister is moving out of the city and dad's going too. My older sister lives out in the country, the opposite way. Things seemed so much simpler growing up. Knowing there'd always be home. I don't know what to do with myself half the time.
I'd pick up the phone to call mom for some stupid thing and try to annoy my dad with something but it's not the same. There's this hole inside and I don't know how to fix it. I'm supposed to know how to fix things. When the weather turns, I'd call her and we'd talk about whether it was doing something at her end or vice versa. When it snowed I knew she'd be the first one going out in bare feet (hey I never said she was sane) loving every second of the cold.
I have tried to make sense of it, but I don't know how. Nothing seems to make sense.
I went to the park the other day with Mack after school. Sitting in my chair while she played, I looked over by the fence who did I see? Mom! I freaked, raced over to see her. I looked back to make sure Mack was ok and when I looked back, poof! Gone! I looked around, nothing.
How do you come to terms with losing a parent? I realize there are a lot worse things out there but when do you come to a place where you say, "ok, they're gone. and move on..." The days pass, it's 2 weeks into the new school year, every morning I miss the morning phone call that her and I had. I miss her making me insane, laughing. People keep saying, she's not really gone, she's still in your heart. I know that's true but cripes... I wasn't ready for this. Why the hell did the doctors not tell us how serious this surgery was before she went in. Why did they say "if anything happens, we'll call you." They said mom knew how serious it was. Why didn't she tell us? Why didn't she want us there?
Am I ever going to stop being angry over this?
