September 13, 2006, 01:02:am
I needed to write tonight and its not weight issues. So you can either read or not. I just need to vent. Need to slay some demons through facing and writing. Weird to explain.
A couple weeks ago my brother was arrested for a horrible crime. A crime so attrosious, I am glad he is in jail while at the same time I am so torn that he is. He deserves it, he needs to be in jail. Needs to have the tar beat outta him to knock some sense into him. But he is my brother. He may not be blood but he's been part of my family since I was a child of 8.
He's one of the few people that has always told me to accept who I am. Always supported me (when we weren't fighting) concerning my weight. Said it didn't matter. Hell the one time we went out partying and when I got upset at not being able to get behind the booth, he yanked it off the wall and moved it towards him so I could fit.
I think thats why I'm so torn.
He is one of the few that NEVER judged me by my weight. Never had me feeling bad about it.
He even made me slow dance with him another time we went out cause he could see how bad I wanted to but no one would ask me to dance. People laughed and teased but its not like we danced as lovers lol. I mean hell you could have put a purrson between us lmao. But it was the fact that he wanted to dance with me and show everyone in the place that I was worth dancing with that touched me. Something that not matter what happenes, even knowing he'll spend most if not all the rest of his life in jail, I'll never forget that he was one of very few that totally supported me my whole life. Made me realize there were people that thought I was human.
Not a tall fat freak.
*sighs, demons are a bitch to live with. To keep hidden behind a "wall" that I can never let crumble. I've let the walls I've put up around my heart crumble and fall completely out of place save for 1. The one area of my life that I must continually control. I hold my hidden rage in tight check.
If you can imagine, imagine an emotion so strong that when it overcomes you, your entire purrson becomes something you are not. Be it sad, anger, terror, whatever the emotion is.
Mine is rage. *laughs ironically* My day of confronting and realeasing this rage does draw nearer but not now. I'll explain shortly what I mean.
Not mear anger or fury but pure white hot, untouchable, murderous rage. The type of rage that when I used to slip, people literally backed off from me by a simple look in my eyes. I'd do things that I had no memory of doing because I got so out of control. I had people who would not piss me off once they got a taste of my anger. Goddess when I slip I myself become a demon. Tis the only way I can explain myself. I can't think. I can't feel anything but anger. I have to hit things. I have to destroy things. It took seeing people cringe from me in fear or extreme pain of myself for me to get back to normal. Omg, talk about feeling bad then!
It got to the point I was hurting myself so much (I stopped going for people the night I had 4 friends cringing on the couch when I threw the recliner across the room with 1 hand and the kitchn cabinet full of food across that room with 1 swipe, and I do mean literally across the room. Recliners are not light either, took 2 of us to put it back and I had thrown it with 1 arm :( My favorite basket of seashells almost hit the guy and most of my shells shattered like glass. He actually got a couple shards in him *sighs) I fractured my own wrist slamming it into a light. Since that night I have only hit a wall 1 time. I left a hand impression. I decided that point it was time for the anger to be controled.
I think back now and hate what I was. But am not surprised. I had a reason to be such a horrible creature. I had more then what I can count on 2 hands of reasons to be such a rage freak. So hateful.
See, the thing of it with my brother is, he is one of those demon causes. He added fuel to the fire of my fury.
He was one of the ones that molested me. My demon stems from wanting those freak men to be punished for hurting me. Doesnt matter if it was the simple fondle the boob thing or the full intercourse. All of it was molesting. Rape as you would have it. People won't call it rape becaue its such a harsh word. Face it, molesting is rape, rape is molesting.
I had little control of my anger because back then it was a way to keep my other emotions from coming back. To keep me from hurting from what was being done to me. To stop the tears of shame, the tears of anger, the tears of fear. I was a little girl forced to grow up in ways no child should.
Goddess hold my mother because I know she is having a fit in "heaven" over not knowing what was going on. I held my secret well until her death. I speak of it now to try and come to terms. To help myself. To help others. I knew from a young age to never say anything to her. My silence saved her and my true brother, blood brother, from the pain. I'd never let them know hurt from what was going on with me. She had enough trouble trying to raise my brother and I alone. My brother has downs syndrome. She had left my father when she caught him doing things to me. She let him beat her into being an epileptic but the moment she caught him, she left him and hitched across country to come home.
Some part of me caught on to the fact it was my fault she went through such hard life. Such a struggle. She never told me though, not till I was older. She never spoke bad of him until I was old enough to understand. I just knew. My memories are vaugh but when I described 3 rooms to my mother when I was 14, she was stunned, literally. She asked me who told me. I told her no one, I'd dreamed them.
It wasn't dreams. It was returning memories.
Of rooms we had BEFORE I was 5 when my mother left my father. I knew then, that day, at 14, the dreams I had been having were not dream but memories. Of what my father and the others had done. I never spoke to her of what those dreams held other then the description of the rooms. The amazment and shock on her face was rather funny lol.
I have a very strong memory. But at the same time I can not remember a lot of my childhood. My mind blocks it. I know this because of a couple things I simply know.
I know I have 3 stages to go through in order to completly face what was done to me and to heal even though I will never be fully healed, but healed enough to finally let the anger go. To release my most dangerous demon.
I've known this since I was in my teens. I realize I've always had extra ordinary mind. I knew things were going to happen before they did. I can feel how people feel without them speaking. Not just by body language either.
Step 1 happened that day the memories started coming back. That is when I knew for some odd reason I had 3 steps to go through and instinctivly knew that was the first one.
Step 2 happened in my middle 20's. When I went from simplely seeing the "memories" to feeling them. I damned near lost it the day I went to take a nap and woke FEELING and HEARING my father doing what he did. It was like I was right in that moment in time again. Since then I've heard and felt as well as seen the memories.
My mind releases things as it knows I am finally able to handle them without loosing my mind.
The 3rd step will be to face the anger, release it completly and then defeat it once and for all. To release all the hatred, the anger, the hurt, the fear, the confusion, to feel it all in a moment of utter release. The one moment in my life that I have fought for many years. That I know I must do, and I have known that that day draws nearer and nearer.
A couple friends know of this time and have told me they will be there for me when my hell comes. 1 even knows she must go through the same 3 steps and has not yet gone through any of them (well not as of the last time we had talked of this which was a couple years ago). When and if her time comes, I will be there for her.
Why do I even talk of this? Because its who I am as a purrson. It is how I became who I am. Who I will be.
I fear, am terrified of that day and fight it. But I know the fight will not last much longer.
Because I've finally reached the point where I want complete closure. Granted I know I will never forget but I need closure on the demon. I need to stop punishing myself for things that were done to me by those that deserve the punishment. NOT ME! I never deserved any of this.
Even though when I finally got to talk to 2 of my molesters, asking they why, they said I was at fault as well. It wasn't just their fault. *laughs* Typical of the one hurting someone. Blame the victim as well.
Its ok though, for me now though. I know I am not, was not and never will be to blame for being the victim of horrible crimes that should never be done to anyone, let alone a child.
I'll face the day of confrontation with my demon, with my chin up, shaking in terror, but with the strength given to me by controling my demon. I can only hope though that when it is all said and done, I come out of it complete and not an empty shell. That is why I struggle to hold that final battle off. I'm terrified I'll become an empty shell.
Thats why I am so upset over this thing with my brother. Do I add old worthless nails to his coffin to make sure it is shown he has had a problem for many more years then anyone has ever thought? Even though we were young (he in mid teens, me not even in my teens yet). Do I pry those nails out of my control per sey and risk setting the demon free before I am truely ready? How can I do it alone?
Do I face someone whom I both love and hate in a setting that would have people looking at me and judgeing me? People that do not know me in the least bit. Would it be worth having those that do know me possibly turn and blame me? *cringes*
I'm so torn. All this going on with my struggle to prepare for surgery too. *sighs
Goddess help me to do the right thing and come out of this in 1 piece!
I may update on this situation and I may not.
