I am not sure if it is the codeine.
I have been numb this weekend. Numb but with tears spilling.
My lips cannot smile and i cannot affect any semblance of happiness in my tone.
It is odd. And I have a sense of helplessness inside of me.
I wish to smile. And when I try it is entirely too much effort.
Yesterday I threw on some jean capris and a black tank to head over to Dawns house.
Barbecue and glow sticks.
sitting on the front lawn and watching our kids play as we sip on fruity alcoholic beverages.
Sounds like heaven.
I am numb inside. My kids were strapped into the minivan listening to vegitales and i had buckcherry screaming in my ears.
Even that song did not bring the familiar beat to my heart or swing to my hips.
I thought to myself. How odd. how strange.
At dawns, I lug out my giant purse and satchel with my laptop nestled inside.
I walk up her steep driveway muttering under my breath. I look down at my boobs. "Fabulous" i whisper. They jiggle as I walk up the hill.
It's like when you are thirsty and you know that tall glass of water is within 5 feet of you. Or when you have been craving a cigarette and you have 4 minutes until your lunch break.
I almost was with dawn.
I walked inside of her house. Which feels like home to me.
And i see....a man...who has no shirt and is bald and he is kinda fatish.
I look at dawn.
And wrinkle my nose.
"There is a man here!" she mouths to me.
I roll my eyes, as i had already seen him.
So we had dinner. With dawns ma and Donald...who quite frankly makes me laugh like no one else in this world.
Dawn and her kids whom I love like they were mine....and a bald fat guy who swilled back beer and swayed with drunkness by the time the hamburgers were served.
I felt like I was looking at Toph. I refused to speak with him. Wrinkled my nose at him quite obviously and when he told me to smile he flinched when i said "Really? Why? Why should I smile. You tell me." and I stood there with my hand on my hip and stared at him.
I left to come home soon after.
This morning I awoke....numb....again.
