An orgasm is a many-splendored thing. Okay, sometimes it's not so splendid. There, I said it. There is a hierarchy of orgasms and I intend to fully flesh it out. Consider this a public service announcement.
1. The Oh-Oh-Oh-Yeah-Yeah-That's-It-Mmm-Yeah--Oh. This "orgrasm" is usually coupled with some half-hearted hand beatings on the bed. There may be an attempt to throw the head back and forth. This, gentlemen, is also known as "The Fake Orgasm."
2. The It's Not Going To Happen So Please Stop. This is obviously not a true orgasm, as you almost got there, he worked so hard, the timing and pressure and all of it was going so well...and then he fucked up. He may try and dodge back and recoup, but with this one, it's just not going to happen. A body can only take so much frustration. Men are always bitterly disappointed with the It's Not Going To Happen.
3. The Hiccup. A Hiccup is an orgasm that happens so fast, and is so slight, you barely notice it. The lover may think he can still keep going, but you'll have to stop him and say, "No, it's over." A Hiccup can be followed by another orgasm (The Multiple) if given whatever refractory period you require.
4. The Meat and Potatoes. This is the standard orgasm. There is some buildup, there's a hump, you get over it. It feels good. No surprises, no disappointments, it's like the majority of your orgasms while masturbating, and when in a long-term relationship in which you live together, otherwise known as "The Married Orgasm."
5. The Social Climber. This is a step-up. There is quite a bit of build-up, with a steady upward climb, no let-downs or panicked efforts to regroup. It is a slower build-up than The Meat and Potatoes orgasm, and you may possibly grab the sheets and grind your teeth on the way there.
6. The Growler. This orgasm wanders around the forest like a wild animal. It is stalking its prey, but it weaves in and out of the trees. It has to be stealthy. It may have to retrace its steps, go off the scent, and then sneak around to attack. It's edgier and more aggressive than the other orgasms--you want it with a bit of bloodthirst, but you must wait. When it's time to pounce, you are gnashing your teeth and howling. You will probably bite your lover or a pillow during this kind of orgasm.
7. The Praise Jesus. This orgasm will make a religious convert out of the most stubborn athiest. It's a slow start, and a slow crescendo. There will be bouts of religious ferver, and then moments of quiet reflection. There will be moments where you will lose faith, and then moments where you will fall to your knees in praise of the holy spirit and all that is good in the world. You may speak in tongues. By the end of it, you will be begging for mercy, praying for sweet release, and once there, you'll be saying all manner of nasty things about God and Jesus. I usually give Jesus Christ an unflattering middle name.
8. The Fuck Me. This orgasm will take all the little girl out of you, rob you of your dignity, and have you talking like a dim-witted pornstar. Men like this orgasm. They think it's an invitation to stop what they're doing and actually fuck you. Oh, unless they are fucking you, then they will take it as an invitation to initiate turbo drive. Interestingly, the Fuck Me doesn't necessarily end in orgasm for you, but will quickly lead your lover into one. The Fuck Me is best if it is quickly followed by the:
9. The Fuck You. The "Fuck Me" is just the loss of inhibition. The Fuck You is an all-out primal yell. The Fuck You is notable for its repeated peaks and valleys. Only the most skillful of lovers can bring a girl to the Fuck You. This lover knows how to bring you right up to the edge, hang there, and then drop back. This will be done repeatedly until you are saying "Fuck You" out of frustration, and out of admiration, as in, "Fuck You, You are GOOD!" Be careful with the Fuck You, as you can sprain your fingers, either from gripping the sheets and pulling for so long, or gripping/scratching/punching your man. Fuck Yous are really suited to some light bondage and S&M. Practice safe sex and restrain your girl so she doesn't hurt you.
10. The Blackout. It's best we girls don't remember all that occurs during the Blackout. Lovers like to torment us by repeating the tourette-like outbursts of a Blackout. This is bad form, gentlemen. This kind of orgasm is a marathoner, long lasting, with many acts and changes of scenery. Every imaginable twist and bend that your body can handle has been tried, tested, and repeated. The Blackout takes you further than you thought you could handle, you lose sense of time, and all sense of propriety. In addition to all manner of filthy pornstar language, insulting nasty talk, and graphic play-by-plays, you may also call out other people's names. The Blackout is not for the feint of heart. The Blackout will leave you sweaty, possibly on the end of the bed, upside down, after having traversed the entire house. There may be stains on the bedding, various discarded tubes of lube, and the occassional toy, still vibrating on the floor.
11. The Screamer. The Screamer is everything a Blackout is, except the timing is better, and the ending fiercer. For whatever reason, when the planets are properly aligned, your man will not only be able to do all the tricks, bells, and whistles of the previous seven kinds of orgasm, but he will be able to last longer, stronger and harder. He will go into a zen-like fuck trance where you think you have a robot lover. But a robot who sweats. By the time your body has been pushed beyond its capacity, beyond Blackout, it's time to truly primal scream. You know you've had a Screamer if your lover repeatedly tries to cover your mouth with his hand. You will also know a Screamer if your co-workers ask if you caught that Strep virus that is going around the next day.
12. The Multiple. God Bless You.
