JADED Southern Sex Symbols Group Member's blog: "About me"

Shit bare with me I have so much goin on in my head right now. This may come out all wrong! To Neil and any of you that will tell him about this blog GO FUCK YOURSELF!! I'M TIRED OF HIS DAMN LIES!! This is the only type of diary that I have ever been able to keep up with and yes it is avalible to the public for everyone to see. It's my own personal feelings that are going on in my head and heart right now. Well in the past few months I have started and caught myself from falling to hard for two men. I knew it wouldn't work and so have closed myself off to them. I have always have fallen hard and fast for men. One of my short comings. But I am still trying to get my divorce and already have fallen in love with my couple. What scares me to think is that now I love my couple that they may not make it. I have always been careful about getting too happy. The reason being that anytime that I do something always happens to throw a very dark shadow over it. I have come to realize that when I am happy the ones that I love become unhappy. When I get too happy I seem to bring the worst out in the ones that I love. I guess I have known this for a long time and dread getting too happy. But tonight made me realize that unfortunatly this is true. The ones that I love tend to become someone else. Like my happeness drains them and I bring out the worst in them. They fight amongst themselves and with me. I have known for a long time before I can remeber that I was cursed in love. Starting with my own sperm donor (sexually abusing me when I was a baby and a young child) to my parents(always fighting over what I did or didn't do to keep the house running or caring for my brothers) to my brothers (being jealous of their lack of responsiblity) to my lovers to boyfriends to exhusbands(one that did all types of abuse from sexual to almost killing me and the last emotional, verbal and finally physical abuse) and now to my couple(fighting amongst the two of them). The common link is me. They do better off without me around and when I enter the fighting begins shortly thereafter. Now that I have told about my past, if one stops and thinks about it somehow I am the cause of all my torment that I have gone through. I don't know why but for whatever reason the Goddess has laid this burden on me to carry. I don't know why I bring the worst out of the ones that I care about. I have learned that no matter how I am one way or another I have tried to change to make sure that I don't bring the worst out of the ones I love that it doesn't matter. It still happens!! I am finally free to be me in every way possible and my couple have taught me to be proud of THE REAL ME!! But the price maybe too much for them to teach me this very important lesson. I do not want to cause anymore pain!! I just don't know what to do at this point. If I should leave and never commit to anyone ever again to prevent all this pain I feel and the pain I cause to otehrs, or stay and fight for all that I have now. I know my couple have taught me that I will never be able to stay happy with one man ever. That it is alright to be this way. That being poly is alright. That as long as I am happy with it that's all that matters. And no matter what anyone tells me other wise I am to stay true to who I am and fuck everyone else. They have taught me so much and I just wish that it didnt have to come at such a high price! I never dreamed that I could be so happy being with a man and a woman. To be free to say whats on my mind and know that I will never be abused. That I am safe and never have to worry about being hit out of anger. But the fear of it will never go away no matter how hard people have tried. The fear has been planted there by to EXs now. The fear of looking over my shoulder will take much longer to try to ease again. I am still afraid to tell my family the real me. I will have to soon and know how they will take it at first. I also know in time they will come to accept it. Damn I hate drama and my life is full of it right now. I just want to dissappear and excape from it all for a short time. I know that I can't bury my head in the sand and hope that it all disappears. I am just tired of fighting my hopefully soon to be exhusband for what is rightfully my share of the divorce. I am tired of listening to the fighting goin on here. I am tired of caring the pain I cause in wake of my path. In short I am tired of life at this point that I just want to go way for a few days to recoup my strength. I hope all is going better for everyone that it is for me. May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.