7:27am
Why is it always the same? I wore my heart on my sleeve, because of some dumbass guy I ended up liking. I didn't like him hardcore, but I liked him nonetheless.
He is different than other guys. The way he hurt me was with his honesty. Even though he hurt me that way, I didn't show it. There are way more important things to worry about.
Now what is it that happened? Most of you don't know that I was sort of into this one guy. His name will not be mentioned here. He showed genuine interest as did I, considering neither of us was looking to be in a relationship. I didn't know how to define my feelings towards him, so I always referred to him as my crush. I know crushes are what they are and usually don't go anywhere further than that, but I didn't know how to define what I'd felt.
I know I liked this guy. He won me over with his charm, his personality, and his presence. He used to call everyday, and the funny thing was that he would always ask for permission to call me, which I always granted him and told him he didn't need permission to call. If he wanted to call, then he'd call, otherwise, he would always text me. I never used him as a scapegoat from the problems I'd already had from previous relationships.
Anywho, he won me over, even when we went out for drinks, he was still a gentleman. I did not, however, hang on to his every word, because I was having problems of my own, and he knew them, just I like I knew his.
He is a charasmatic young man, with a bright future ahead of him and a lot to offer to the right girl. I just sorta hoped, in a small tiny way, that maybe I could've been her.
We clicked immediately. He even set some time aside to talk to me, even if we were interrupted, he would call back. I miss those days. Truly, I do... considering the last relationships failed b/c I gave it my all, and they didn't. This time it was different, it was 50/50 and that's what caught my attention. Not his looks, but his persona and his presence.
Most of you wouldn't understand where I'm coming from. It's not always about looks, but I often asked myself, what would a cute guy like him see in me? As some of you know, well a few of you, I have an extremely low self esteem. So I sort of questioned myself, but I never questioned him, as to why he was talking to me still. He made it clear from the beginning he liked me for me, and everything else was just an add-on, so to speak. Basically everything was good between us. Again, we weren't in a defined relationship, but I'd like to think we were starting to see each other, though not date, since I don't believe in dates.
Time passes, feelings grow... Time passes, feelings sort of fade.
I sort of just let go of the idea because I know he deserved more. I could've given back everything he gave me, which was all mental, and emotional more than physical, though it would've gone there eventually.
I'm just torn apart on the whole idea because, I don't know if I should write him an email stating how I felt and that I am going to leave him be. I don't want to feel like a stepping stone. He is seeing some other girl now, yeah big surprise there. yeah right... but he is seeing some other girl, and I'm not upset, I'm just sad and heart broken. I'm happy for him. When he asked if I was seeing other guys or at least talking to other guys, I admitted that I was talking to a couple of guys, and I think that sort of hurt him. You should've heard his voice. He wanted to talk, and when we were talking, I almost blurted out that I missed him and missed talking to him, but i kept it to myself. His tone changed when I told him that I was talking to a couple of guys. I think it hurt him too, but it's the truth. I wasn't going to keep waiting for him. I had a huge holiday present I had in store for him, but now I'm not too sure. I noticed he kept being serious and a bit quiet, but I kept telling him in an upbeat voice, "I'm happy for you! That's cool! I hope it works out..."
Yeah, all of that was hurting me on the inside. I didn't want to tell him it hurt me, but I think he knew that. I'd rather he hurt me with his honesty than with a lie. But why would he get happy by talking to me last night? We spent over an hour on the phone... He kept listening and hanging on to every word I was saying, and he was hurt when I told him, "darn, so now I gotta back off," before he told me everything else. A guy just doesn't do that. I have too many guy friends, maybe I'll ask them for some advice. But I'm going to email him my thoughts and feelings, and just sort of back away so that he knows where I stand.
Again, I didn't know what to call him, just a crush I guess. Nothing more, nothing less. I feel as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders, but not entirely from my heart. Yes, I fell, but not hard. Everyone else knows it takes me a long time to fall. It didn't take me too long with him, but hey things happen. It's the story of my love life. I'm not angry nor upset at myself. Things are not supposed to be easy, especially in my life. I hope that if and when the right guy comes along, it'll be for good, and not just a temporary feeling. He just doesn't know how he affected me in this little bit of time.
[Time for me to move on though... He doesn't have a stable job, he's broke, barely has enough for gasoline, and he lives with his brother. he admitted he should pay rent, but he doesn't, but he had to do everything his niece wants because he is a guest in their home. He has a GED, usually I go for guys who have some college eduation, but eh. I looked past those faults. I'll leave him be as I mentioned...]
Everyone said we'd end up together, everyone noticed he brought out the best in me, and they hadn't met him at all. They just heard me mention him once or twice, but they knew I was talking to someone and I was very much enthused. We'll see if there's another guy out there, who could do me justice and I the same for him. 7:48am
