rochelle called me before work last night which was nice. she seems to be the only friend i have who tries to keep in touch with me and who calls me, other then felicity ne ways. it's always nice talking to her because it seems like we always have plenty to say and it doesn't get really quiet or anything, where as with people often you simply run out of things to say. part of it is probably cuz we only talk every so often so more happens in between. she's nifty.
ive pretty much not eaten in the last two days. on sunday i had some eggs and sausage thats all i ate the whole day, and yesturday i had one chicken sandwhichy thing from work/ so ive had one meal a day the last two days, and i didnt have time to get food before i left work cuz derek had to give me a ride thanks to my car and i knew he needed to get to work and there's pretty much no food here, tho i s'pose i can heat up some mac n cheese noodes n eat them with tomato sause since i dont have milk n such to make mac n cheese, my tummy hurts a little.
last night was sort of busy for a monday night, but it was only busy at one or two points instead of people bothering me constantly like sunday. i made about 300 more then sunday and yet had more time to get stuff done so that was good. it seems no one other then me is working ne more. i mean people run the register and it seems that's it. i know felicity works, but she gets stuck working with joe and he has a way of preventing others from doing stuff by not being competent enough to do what he needs to do on his own. the cooler hasnt been stocked for like a week and it needs to be stocked daily. i stocked some during the night and when kim got there this morning, its horrible.
we had my car started for a few minutes and then it went to hell again. derek finally just said screw it. so he gave me a ride last night and this morning. i put the battery charger back on this morning cuz after derek left i killed it to the point of it wont even turn over. tho i wonder if i screwed up the starter not the battery.. not sure. owell, all i can do is keep trying. i cant have derek giving me rides all the time he's at work when i have evening shifts or its his weekend off and i wouldnt want to bug him on his days off.
felicity came over before she went to work. we were wrestling and such as is somewhat ussual. we somehow ended up on my bed. i know its probably wrong to let myself even be as close as i have since she has a bf and i know that i'd just hurt her, but i can't help it. whenever we hang out the urge of desperate loneliness sits inside of me and it's hard to fight old habits of things i used to do every day for a year. it's hard to be that close with someone and not cling and cuddle with them when the only time you've been near someone alone and such like that was your gf who you clung to ever second of every day. and it makes me feel even worse because while hanging out with her ravyn runs through my mind. it's grr, cuz i'll want to hold felicity and such and be cuddly but then i start thinking of how much i wish i could hold ravyn, and i don't want to pretend felicity is ravyn.. that'd be bad.
it's weird to find i do things that ravyn used to do, like make certain faces or say certain things. i think it's my way of keeping her with me, by making her part of who i am, ofcourse i think she's become too deeply a part of who i am a long time ago for it to be something i could do simply to keep her around, i think it's more the fact i can't help it. i think i discovered why my car won't start. even since it first stopped working, i've just wanted to get it started and drive out to washington.. perhaps it's preventing me because something somewhere somehow thinks that i'd actually be crazy enough and strong enough to do something that drastic. granted deep down i live to be maybe bad word choice but "over dramatic" because only when i manage to be completely consumed in emotion am i alive, and so rarely can i be completely consumed in emotion to do anything drastic.
last time it happened well, lets just say ravyn no longer talks to me. so i slammed a door, i called her back and apologized and told her i wasn't mad i just had so much emotion inside me i couldn't help losing control for a split second. yet she still hasn't forgiven me. it's better when over emotion causes me to make those i care about overwelmingly happy. god my stomach hurts, i'm so hungry :/ stupid no food ness. atleast after tonight i have a die off, that'll be nice i guess.. if i don't have my car working not sure what im gonna do, i won't be able to go get food or anything. yesturday would have been two years and 4 months with ravyn.. and its been a year and 3 months since we were on ok terms to where she'd willingly speak to me. one month and i'm 19. i don't think i can ever be happy on my birthday again. not under these circumstances.
ive needed her to hold me every birthday since i met her, and each one i think i'll simply need her more. the first time she was there and i didn't feel good, i laid in her lap under the stars at the park. and she comforted me making me forget my icky feeling. she made it all better. it was the first time i let her take care of me, it was always me taking care of her. and now each birthday i'll think to that, and need her to hold me more then before. it's worse then a stomach ache. it's worse then over working myself in gym class or being made to feel horrible at things i once thought i was good at. i've been made to feel meaningless by the one thing that means everything.
and all i can do is hide in the shadows, dreaming of coming out of the dark. dreaming of grabbing her by the hand pushing past her built up animosity and making her see the truth. taking all of her frustration and turning into realization. honestly i'm not sure why i don't constantly try to talk to her or find a way to make it better. i didn't stop with alexz for like a year, and i've always found myself swelling to do anything, yet now i find myself trying to keep myself from doing anything whenever the thought arises. it almost may sound like i don't care this time, or that it's not as meaningful. but the painful truth is it's so meaningful i can't take the pain of failure. it kills me too much everytime she turns away from me and acts like i'm nothing.
i can't stand to believe she thinks so lowly of me, maybe i can't stand the truth. i can't stand to know she's happy with out me, or that everything is perfect when i'm miserable, though even more i can't stand the thought of her unhappy. if i knew she was unhappy i'd lose control. i can turn away and hide away when i believe she's content and perfectly happy with out me, but when i get those thoughts she's lying to herself, that maybe she is simply being with guys letting herself be content but in the back of her mind knowing there's something missing it's difficult. i have to force them away. i can't bear to think that she's doing to herself what's being done to me, that she is living a lie because it was too painful to face the truth. that it was too painful to be herself. i hide from myself every day to try and make the pain go away. i'm attempting to force myself to stop that though.
i attempt several times a month. i think i managed to not deny what's inside me for about a month over the summer. hard when being myself simply hurts and i feel like it doesn't matter who i am anymore. "i'd let myself drown just to know you care"
