Miss Kerri Baby's blog: "Little of this... Little of that...."

I have no clue what I'm doing anymore. Every time I make a decision, which at the time I think is right, it turns out wrong. And now I've put myself in the position where I've been hurt.... again. You'd think after that I'd want to put a stop to any and all communication with the person who did that to me, but I can't. I just can't do it. When I made my soon-to-be-ex leave I thought it was a good thing. I thought I'd be happy again. And I was for a little while, but I'm not anymore. I know what I want, that's for damn sure. What I want is not to be alone for the rest of my godforsaken life, to be with someone who isn't bothered by all my little annoying qualities, and most of all I want that person to be somewhere near me and not 3,000 miles away. But do you think I could actually meet someone like that around here? No, not a chance. There's  guys who want to meet me and, before they even get to know anything about me, expect me to go to them and do whatever it is they want me to do. Is it so wrong for me to want someone to want me enough to come to me? Is it so wrong for me to want to meet a guy, and I don't really care how I meet him, that is willing to be patient and understand that I'm just not the kind of girl who goes to them just because they want me to? I'm a wimp when it comes to meeting new people, I sometimes get absolutely terrified by the very idea of it. And then, finally, when I meet someone who I think would not be like that with, I end up being screwed in the end. Why is it so hard to understand that me going to meet you scares me? Even if I think there could be something between us, it always ends up that way for me. I've backed out of seeing people before because I was terrified of what they would think of me when we actually met face to face. Talking to someone online and meeting them face to face are two completely different things for me. Face to face I can't hide my flaws and nervousness, not to mention the childlike reactions I have when something goes my way... or any of my other little quirks like that, that frankly, irritate some people I know to no end. So why on earth would anyone actually want to meet me and possibly be with me?

I don't know.

One thing I do know for sure is that as soon as this divorce is final and I'm free, I will be working even harder to find what I thought I had in my husband. I made a mistake there, a huge one, and I won't do it again. So, how do you find that perfect person for you when you can't even get the guts to see someone who you think just might be it.??