Today has been a day of rest and thinking for me. I woke up this morning after about 2 hours of sleep and realized how drained I was emotionally and physically. For months now I have not been my normal self (well as normal as I can be). I like to be happy and care free as much as possible. Today I realized that my happiness was gone and I was forever being stressed. I realized how much I have pulled away from the ones that I really love and the ones that REALLY love me. I had been neglecting friends and family....two things I have always put on the top of my list. So I had to ask myself how did this happen. Simple...I have been living a double...well actually a triple life. Being someone different for three groups of people. I realized today that I was actually losing concept with who I really am. What I then realized is this....NO ONE is worth me doing that over. If someone says they love you, it shouldn't make you feel down. You shouldn't have to wonder every minute of every day if it's true. This is not love. I also came to face the fact that loving one person shouldn't pull me away from the other people in my life that I care about. In all reality, the people that I have neglected are the ones that really love me and care about me. They are the ones that are always there for me, helping to mend what someone else has crushed. True friends are the greatest!!! And above all else, today I was reminded that true love does exist but it must first begin within ourself. This is hard for me. I had a terrible ordeal as a child...someone that I should have been able to trust with my life tried to take my life from me in a very sick way. And for years now, I have allowed this to continue. I have scars that nothing will take away. But what I can do is dig out my inner strength that I know I have buried and learn to somehow gain my life back. I have never used this abuse as an exscuse nor will I do so now. I will use it to make me a better person. I have to learn that somewhere inside of me there is something good and there is something that people including myself can love.
I won't say that I will never have another depressed day. That I won't have another minute of hurt or anger. But what I will say is that nothing that has been done to me is worth me giving up my life for. I'm gonna take my life back from the bastards that have tried to destroy who I am.
And with time, I will once again shine. I will be what I was meant to be.
A friend. A lover. A great person. A happy person. I am Mary Ellen. And I will no longer be a doormat for anyone.
Hugs and kisses to you all!!!
