Ninja's blog: "Ask the Ninja"

I know I’ve been neglecting you guys lately in blog form, and just answering questions directly, but I’ve gotten a mass of ones on the same subject, so I’m going to go ahead and just blog it. Also, since I’ve had a couple “friends” go down the path of stupidity, it seems there may be many more that will benefit from the group therapy.

I am going to start this by stating that all relationships are inherently the same. They are all subject to the same cardinal rule in order to ensure survival. Think of the rule like your gun in the Zombie Apocalypse. If you forget the rule, your relationship will be dead faster than the fat guy.  The rule: Communicate. Openly, honestly, and rationally (yeah, I’m talking to you bitches who tend to turn into Crazy McNutballs) communicate.

I know some people will say the most important thing in a relationship is trust, or loyalty, or a mutual love of bacon. But, you’re wrong. You can’t have any of those things without communication.  Communication, whether verbal or non-verbal (yes, you can do shadow puppets if you’re really good), can make or break any bond.

With that said, I will go ahead and address proper communication skills for online relationships.

Everyone these days seem to be engaging in online relationships. They say 1 in 8 marriages are couples that met online (and 3 more are probably just ashamed to admit that). But I see all too many times people think they are going to meet the one on some random website, and throw themselves into the delusional abyss that is online dating.

Here’s the thing though, you can’t actually have a REAL relationship with someone that you have never actually been WITH. At some point, for it to be more than just an exchange on a screen, you have to put both parties in the room and see if it’s really there, or it was some delusional fantasy brought about over some lies and partial truths given over a series of drunken web-chats. If you want to be able to claim rights to call someone a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, you have to be willing to actually spend real time with them. One of the two has to actually make the trip to the other so you can see if you really like them, or if it’s just the rum (and loneliness) talking. So if you THINK you want something with someone you meet online, set a date. If it comes and goes, and no meeting, then you should probably go ahead and stop wasting your time, and your batteries.

Online relationships are also usually publicly visible, thanks to the wonders of social networking. For this reason, you probably should work a little harder on not being a big bowl of nuts. You do not have to share every psycho feeling that you have. It makes the few people who do actually talk to you regret their decision. Ever see the show Snapped? If not, you should. If only to see what happens to crazy bitches like you who go nuts and stab their ex’s new girlfriend 38 times.  Feelings like those are better left for your journal, then burned and never ever spoken about again.  

Fun tip #1 Men and women CAN be friends without ever wanting anything more from each other. Yep, it’s true. They can also joke, flirt, and talk without ever wanting to have sex with each other.  Also, if you’re worried about the good-looking people on their page, you don’t even want to know about the ones they hang out with in real life. You’re just going to drive yourself right smack into the middle of Crazy Town if you keep it up.

Fun tip #2  You can’t stake your claim on someone you have never actually met. Save yourself a ton of energy, and embarrassment, and hold off on the emotional crap until you can actually spend real time with the person you are interested in. You never know for sure if the same chemistry will be there when you’re actually face to face. So building up some irrational expectations of the life you are going to share with someone else is just that, irrational. Save the delusions for when you get old, or some nice man in a white coat will give you a big ol’ Halidol lollipop.

Fun tip #3  If the online bubble bursts, it’s not your job to ensure the other one is shamed into internet hiding. Guys, sharing her pictures she sent you during a sexting session just makes you look like a douche, and will leave you with little more than your favorite lotion. Girls, making fake accounts to stalk him and sabotage his future online flings make you psychotic. Either way, time would be much better spent doing something else, like making a sandwich.

Fun tip #4  If you want to know what the direction of a relationship is going, ask. No one can assume that you are both on the same page, unless it is stated. She might think he loves her. He might think you just want some dick. She might think he wants marriage and kids, when in reality, he wants xbox and beer. The only way to know for sure, ask.

Fun tip #5  Check your crazy regularly. Consult a trusted friend, family member, medical professional. If they tell you that you’re being looney toons, then chances are, you really are. Whatever you do, don’t ask another crazy bitch. Chances are, they will support your retardedness, and you will end up in jail, or even worse, with a tattoo of his or her name on your body.

I’ll add to these as the crazy is brought to my attention.

Until then…

~Ninja