Save the Nazis
Feb 9, 2007
Honey? I have to go. It’s time for my meeting! Have you seen my swastika anywhere?
This week we celebrate Adolph Hitler’s birthday. Had he sold a couple of oil
paintings early on, he might still be with us
today, to say nothing of the over six million
people he ordered his henchmen to murder.
Let’s all learn from this lesson and buy some artwork today, huh?
Hitler died, but the political party he helped found is still alive. Barely.
Frankly,I’m a little worried about the Nazis. Membership seems to have dropped off quite a bit.
And, if there’s anything we need in this crazy world right now, it’s Nazis.
Last summer, in Indianapolis, over one hundred police officers, dressed in riot
gear, stood in the hot August sun. They were called upon by the city to protect the Nazi
party from possible attack by a group of dangerous, burrito-wielding fourth graders. The
Nazi party’s hate rally was in danger of being swarmed by the city of Indianapolis’ “Ethnic
Diversity” counter-rally. There were fifty Nazis. Four hundred kids showed up for the
counter rally. For a while, it looked like the Nazis might be overrun. Thanks goodness the
cops were there.
The poor Nazis, huh? Once, they ruled most of Europe with an iron fist.
Imprisoned Poles. Built the Beetle. Exterminated Jews. And now, barely sixty years later,
they’re so impotent they have to be protected from elementary school kids in Indianapolis.
Talk about your downslide.
We all need the Nazis - Especially those of us who practice comedy for a living. If
there’s one group that everyone can unite to insult, it’s the Nazis. Whether we’re white,
black, brown, Jewish, Moslem, gay, straight, for or against the designated hitter, we all
stand united against Nazis. This unity makes them an easy target for jokes.
Without the Nazis, we’d have no long-running Broadway hit “The Producers”.
And if easy targets for jokes go away, I’m in big trouble.
The Nazis have tried to hang in there. But it’s tough. The “Hitler Bobble Head Doll
Giveaway” certainly helped our attendance numbers, but there’s no hiding the fact that
the Nazis are not drawing like they used to.
Last summer’s Indianapolis event was countered by the host city with an “ethnic
diversity rally” in which parents and their kids of all races celebrated not being Nazis by
dancing and eating Mexican food under the watchful and protective eyes of the police.
The Nazis walked stiffly in a straight line and complained to anyone who would listen about
being taken advantage of by “multiethnic scum.” The kids ate food they’re not allowed to
have at home in the name of racial unity. The police sweated quite a bit, stood around and
collected double time for working Sunday. Later, everybody went home and watched TV.
Welcome to America.
The Nazis, a group whose official party name is “The National Socialist
Movement”, gather every once in awhile to remind people that they’re still with us. That’s
a good thing, because who doesn’t like to insult Nazis? It’s fun! After all, they’re idiots.
What intelligent person is going to join the Nazi party? Even if you’re a racist, homophobic
paranoid, there are other groups you would apply to before you’d turn to the Nazis.
Basically, the Nazi party is made up of people who couldn’t pass the Ku Klux Klan’s
stringent membership policy.
Are you white? Yes.
Are you angry? Damn right I am.
Would you wear this sheet? Sheet?
They still exist, but the Nazi Party membership pool is becoming shallow. There
simply aren’t that many stupid, angry white people left. Soon, they’ll only be twenty of
them showing up for rallies. And then ten. And then it’ll just be Oswald, along with Frank H,
his buddy. And the police won’t bother to come out. And then, they’ll be left all alone to
face the hoards of dancing school children.
That will be a sad day.
Without the Nazis, we won’t have anybody left who we all can feel comfortableinsulting.
Their survival is important.
So, some advice for the Nazis on this, Hitler’s birth week: Allow some women,
Hispanics and blacks into your club. Maybe down the road, some Jews, a Chinese guy and
a lesbian couple with their four kids will march with you. After all, the uniform is kind of
attractive. And you should serve burritos at your rally. The kids like that.
With a little hard work, you could increase membership.
I’m behind you, Nazis.
I’m rooting for your survival.
Not because I agree with any of your idiotic nonsense, but precisely because you
are all idiots and nonsensical. And we need all the easy targets we can get.
Hey.
Did you ever think about a car wash? A bake sale? Band hoagies
