Subject: Fw: Sensible Observations
>
>
> 1 When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his
> sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
> --Author Unknown
>
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
> do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
> children."
> --Author Unknown
>
>
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
> for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
>
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
> job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
> the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
>
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
> infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering
> if there is a man on base."
> --Dave Barry
>
>
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
> it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
> give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before
> they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
>
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
> lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
> how to swim.'"
> --P aula Poundstone
>
>
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
> than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
>
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
> fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>
>
> 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
> said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
> enough. Let's go west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
>
>
> 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
> be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
>
>
> 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
>
>
> 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and
> that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
>
>
> 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
> have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What
> is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>
>
> 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
>
>
> 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress..
> But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain>
>
>
> 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
> they can find Afghanistan ."
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>
>
>
> 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
> look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
>
>
>
> 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
>
>
> 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another
> beer."
> - W. C. Fields
>
>
>
> And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?
>
>
