An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out "Number 77!, and again everybody laughed.
The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think it's a funny joke they will laugh."
The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar.
The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke than the others?" And the barman said, "Well, there are two reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before."
It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, " my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook".
"Good Rodney" says the teacher, "how about you, Johnny?'"
Johnny stands up and stammers, "my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no ....L-E-C-K- no....
The teacher interrupts, "never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?"
Vinnie stands up and says, "My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!"
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A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.
The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
"No sir." answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
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"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
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A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
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A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
