drogar's blog: "A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words"

"Hey, Steve, why so depressed?" "I can't get him out of my mind." "Still thinking of Jimmy?" "Yeah." "Tell me about it?" "I see him everywhere. I see him when I sleep. He's in my dreams. I see him with me. I keep expecting him to come back to me. I was eating and I saw him across from me. I know he wasn't, but I want him to be there so badly. He was sitting in his chair, you know how it always had that squeak he kept promising to fix, but never got around to?" "Yeah, I know." "I made his favorite and he was holding the fork looking at me... Just looking. It was like he knew why I did it. I want to be closer to him. And he wanted to say something to me. Do you think he's sad we're apart?" "I don't know. It's possible, but I don't know for sure and I won't tell you I do. I think you've had more than enough of that sort of false comfort these past few weeks." "Thanks, I guess." "You're welcome, man. Hey, at least I'm not telling you to cheer up, right?" "Why aren't you? Not that I like all the people telling me to get over him and get on with my life, but why aren't you doing that like everyone else?" "Because you're not ready yet. You need more time. I don't know how much time you need, but it's obvious you need more than this. You need to talk about him. You need to talk about him and you and how you feel. You don't need people to just tell you, "It's over, it's done, now go find yourself a new man." "Do you think I will?" "Yes, of course I do. But not now. What do you think Jimmy wanted to say to you?" "I was going to say he wanted me to move on and start living my life again. Honestly, I spend way too much time at home just obsessing about us. I don't go out on the weekends. Instead I just sit and home and think about him. I miss curling up together on the couch and watching TV. Even the shows I used to tease him about watching. All those movies of his that he had to watch over and over. Damn, I miss him." "Was what the two of you had something special?" "Of course!" "Then why are you prepared to toss it away so soon?" "Do you think that's what I'm doing? Just tossing it away?" "I won't say obsessing over it to the point you stop showering and taking basic care of yourself is healthy, but you're not near that point yet, right?" "I still shower. Gee, thanks for asking." "So you see, you're not obsessed with the past." "Even though I see him when he's not there?" "Who says he's not there?" "He's gone!" "Only from sight, not from mind. Come here, man, and listen to me. You believe in the soul, right?" "I'm not a Christian." "Didn't ask that. It doesn't matter. You believe there's something more to us than just chemicals and electricity, right?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Well, I believe that what you and Jimmy had was special. You know that old saw about "Two souls become one?" "That marriage thing? But we weren't married. Couldn't get married." "It's not just a marriage thing. It's a relationship thing. You're not going to deny you and Jimmy had a relationship, are you?" "Hell no!" "Well, in any relationship, people grow closer together. As long as they work at it. It takes a lot of work not to grow apart. And you and Jimmy put a lot of effort into growing together. You shared hobbies, you spent time together, and you made sure to participate in his life like he made sure to participate in yours." "What does that have to do with souls?" "All that time together, all those shared memories, and you don't think your souls joined just a little? You never completed each other's sentences?" "No, we did that." "That's because your souls were joined. I know you're not one for all the mystical mumbo-jumbo, but you do believe me, right?" "I believe you believe it. We didn't share a soul. All those times I hurt him..." "Not shared, man. You were still two separate people. You never managed to get him to go do that thing you like so much with you, did you?" "No, never did. Kept trying though. And I would have gotten him to do it too. After all, I got you to do it. Took a while, but I did! So joining's not sharing?" "No, it's not sharing. In that respect it's less than sharing. But since it allows you both to exist apart, it's a little more than sharing." "So you're saying I keep seeing him and hearing him because I'm holding him back because our souls are joined?" "No, I'm not saying that. I don't know why you keep seeing and hearing him. Maybe it's just that you got so used to it over time your mind keeps filling him in. I don't think that's it, but maybe it is. I'm saying your souls were joined. They're not anymore because he's gone. I know that's hard, but he is. You wouldn't want to hold him back, would you?" "I want to hold him." "But would you hold him back from something he had to do? I don't think so." "Okay, I wouldn't hold him back from something he had to do. Still want to hold him though." "Well, since you can't hold him back, it's a good thing you don't want to. But you can hold him still." "How?" "He's a part of you now. You hold a part of him always in you. All those times you do the things he liked and remember him, you hold a piece of him. It's something you'll carry as long as you'll want to. It's not physical, but does it help?" "Not really. I'll think about it though." "Okay."