Well, works been going well. I've been busy as hell, but certainly enjoying it. I work with a bunch of really nice bubbly people... although there are of course those crazy customers... but i've not had any crazy mean ones, just crazy, WEIRD. So, other than that, things are great. I miss my babies, like, MAJOR.... but thats to be expected. I'm really getting adjusted to work, my new life, etc.
And yesterday I was talkin to mom, (who isn't my "real" mother per se...) and we were talking about everything going on in our lives, and everything and stuff, and when she was hopping offline, she said "i love you", and a few minuets later, it hit me, and I just started bawling. I've not had an adlut female in my lief that I could truly consider a mother-figure in my life since my mother died, but Lynda has been there for me through so much, and 'held my hand' through a lot. She's a strong woman and i adore her. I feel so lucky to have her in my life....
AND tiffany is thinking about becoming a nun... which is totally crazy, but she's really excited about it and I think she'll do well. For selfish reasons I'd rather her just not become a nun, mainly being I don't want her to leave, and i dislike the idea of not being one of the most important people in her life, but at the same time i know this is something that could truly make her hapyp, and she'd really be an awesome nun.... i'm sure with her tattooes and her personality she'd be able to bring a lot of people to the church... but still, I don't want to let her go... it's like she's dying... she'lll be gone for a while... (like 3 years in the nunnery) so I dunno... i'm just taking that one day at a time, because it wouldn't be like next week or anything so I still have time to plan that... It's just weird cuz Sarah may be moving to Atlanta, Tiff would be in the nunnery, Mom may be moving to New Hampshire, I'm not super close to Daniel, and all of my other friends i'm not super close to for whatever reason, so i feel like i'll be totally alone... and that idea really scares me... i don't wanna just be alone... i feel like i'm slowly losing everyone in my life... it fucking sucks major...
Also, on this cherrytap thing, I had invited a friend, Daniel, and he invited someone he knew, who emailed me, and added me... come to find out it's Lindon's Friend Matt's girlfriend Julie's little sister Ashley. Make sense? yeah i know... lol anyways, i saw her pic and knew she looked familiar, and it was from when i used to talk to Lindon I remembered seing her picture on his myspace. So, like a retard I went and looked at his page, and I began to miss him again. He doesn't talk to me, won't email me back when I email him... we just don't talk much anymore... and really, I'm ok with that... mainly because I don't care anymore. I don't care to cry over him, I don't care to hurt, and frankly, I don't care to be sleeping with someone and feel like a cheap whore. I want to be in love, not obsessed... I want to feel loved, not "wanted"... I want to be more to someone than a "booty call" and thats all that "relationship" "friendship" WHATEVR ever was. It was just a total mess. I'm glad I don't deal with that "pain" anymore, but at the same time, I miss the friendship. I miss being able to talk to him about everything in the world... I miss him. I don't know if i truly "loved" him. I don't nkow if i even know what love really is. I'm not sure that i wasn't just "comfortable" with him, and i didn't want the comfort to go away... because I'm comfortable now with my life, living in OKC, with Tiff... and I'm happy... and i'm OK with Lindon not being in my life. I'm not sad, I'm not crying... I don't even think about him anymore... Strange huh? I mean every so often something will remind me of him, but other than that, i don't think too much about him. He's like, a movie character to me... fictional. Like, I speak of him, and wonder if i'm even talking about someone who is real or not... I think I more in love with idea of who he WAS, and our relationship in high school. Because the man he is today, couldn't fit into my life, and I know this... i just missed what i had, and never could realize, he is no longer that person, nor am I... I'm a mommy... with two amazing little girls.... like he said, after lexi, he knew he had no place in my life... (although i think he's always known that) but i never realized it... I want a man who can share my life with my kids. I want a man who can play an active role in my life, my kids life, and my family's life. I want comfort, I want happiness, I want control, I want safety, I want love, i want things that i'm not sure even exist....
I don't know why i'm going on and on about this... who knows...
anyways, i'm gonna lay down, watch some movies, and RELAX... i haven't slept well the past few nights, and i'm ready to just CHILL... watch bridgette jones' diary, drink dr pepper, and wonder why the fuck my life has to be so damned crazy....
