A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes , still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet . Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran - ruled by a prick.
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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?”
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80??"
