Annelid's blog: "Ramblings,thoughts and assorted stuff"

Depersonalization disorder. One of the signs of this is...emotional disconnection from those they care about. Or... a sense of just going through the motions; feeling as though one is in a dream or movie; not feeling in control of one's speech or physical movements; and feeling detached from one's own thoughts or emotions.

I've felt or rather, experienced this a lot. It's like watching me go through the daily motions or rather what's expected of me.  A lot of the time I feel empty or devoid of emotion. I suppose my ex was right in saying that I was like a rl version of Spock. Cold, distant, analytical, emotionless. I suppose she’s right. Not saying I don’t harbor any feelings, I do. They come and go much like waves crashing upon the shore. I feel yet I don’t feel, if that makes any sense. Like that movie Inception..a dream within a dream. I see myself doing things. Things like having a normal life or healthy relationship. A stable career,etc.   Aude somniare !

I cry sometimes just thinking about things (life,etc). Then again I’m a hallow shell…a bb of my so called life rattles around side. I’ve been on the outside always looking in. Always the last one picked (if picked at all). Again it hurts yet I’ve built up a tolerance to it. The sting remains but I barely feel it..or much of anything at all.

There was a time (when I can’t say for sure) when I thought I knew about things. Things being life, relationships, dreams and aspirations. I’m not so sure now. I don’t know what to feel or if I’m feeling anything anymore. Ever get kicked (figuratively) so many times you’re conditioned not to feel it? Like building up a resistance to drinking or pain.  I have reached that plateau.

I sweat the small insipid unimportant things yet I gloss over things that are important. I pick my battles poorly.  I wish there was a “do over “ button for life…press it and start again. But there’s not. There’s just the here and now.  And sometimes ( ok a lot of times) I wish I wasn’t here…now. Maybe it’s the Depersonalization disorder ? Or maybe it’s me just saying to myself …”Who cares….I don’t anymore”.  

I enjoy writing (and no not all my writing are ones of woe is me..and don’t use fu blogs as a gauge). Or I used to enjoy writing (and reading for that matter). It was an outlet for me to say things I could never say to you (or for me to say things about myself) . Despite of my numerous blogs here, I really loathe to talk about myself…there’s not much to say really. It boils down to a guy trying to make sense of things, himself , his place in this world. But there is no sense, no himself or place. I’ve heard the expression..”I’ve hate what I’ve become”.  I don’t because this is all I know. My security blanket of sorts. I can’t hate what I’ve always had. I didn’t morph into this. This is me…for good or bad.