The Space Between
Alone in the dark
On this chosen path
Standing at a crossroad
Not knowing which way to turn
I cant go back from which I came
Cant go back to the safety and light
It grows darker still
The winds of change blow bitter through my soul.
Early this morning I said goodbye to someone I feel very deeply about. I know what you must be thinking; 'if I care so deeply about this person then why say goodbye?' Let me explain the events leading to the goodbye to make it perfectly clear. I met this really great guy and there was an instant mutual attraction. The more we got to know each other, the more profound the feelings became. I told this person from the beginning that I have things in my life I need to work through, and until I do I couldnt commit myself to anything more than friendship. He told me that he understood, and was content to wait until a time when I could commit. Everything was going alright until last night he said something that made me take a step back, and really think the situation through. He told me that a few of his other female friends had confessed they have feelings for him, and that they'd like to have a chance to be with him. He expressed that he too had feelings of wanting to date one of them, but said he didnt want to lose me either. After hearing that I was deeply hurt feeling that I was just someone to fall back on if things didnt work out. I was ashamed of how selfish I had been. Allowing him to wait for me to commit, knowing that I didnt see it happening anytime soon. I told him he needed to let go, and that he needed to move on with someone else. I wished him the best of everything to come and told him I would be distancing myself for awhile so I was no longer part of the equation, and he could move on more freely. He got upset and refused to let me go. He told me he loves me and that he is happy to wait for me, when not even 45 minutes before he expressed his interest in dating someone else. He still refused to let me go. It really made me feel that I was just a back up plan. He got angry and said that I was fucking him over and compared me to someone who had hurt him recently for a completely selfish reason. I didnt know what to say at that moment. So angry, hurt, and confused I cried myself to sleep. I dont know what to say or do. I'm at a loss for words. I'd rather he let me go and have him go be happy with someone else rather than sit waiting for me to work through my issue. I dont want to commit to someone who I know would always be wondering 'what if?' Am I wrong for doing what I did? I think that letting go was the mature thing to do.
