Okay...so last night i was sitting in Celtic Crossing when Nicole came in....I was happy to see her since I hadnt been out in months....and hadnt seen her in even longer amounts of time. Initally she gave me bad news by telling me that my ex jumpoff is now preggers by one of the bouncers from 152....and that they are engaged and getting married....
I went into hater mode for a minute cuz I missed that little fine piece of Puerto Rican Poon....but by the same token..... she had a temper like most latina women....and shed definitely cut a nikka (with a machete, that is)...especially an asshole like myself....
Anyway.....damn...I liked that bitch.....but talking to her friend Nicole (damn I know a lot of chicks named Nicole)...made me realize how many fine assed hairstylists I know....There is Angela at Dabbles, Nicole at Tre Regazza or whatever, Britney's fine ass at Supercuts, my frat brothers girlfriend at Gould's, Shelby at Goulds, Jennifer at some spot out in Wolfchase, Rachel- Jen's best friend, Rachel Nestler downtown (even though I hate her punk assed huusband), Gloria Dodd, That chick that was with Lenny Cabalari (I cant even begin to spell his last name) at the Deli...all of those broads at E. Masseys Barber Shop, and several other cum buckets nation wide...(I say cum bucket with all due respect).
Anyways....
this got me to thinking about my hair....since Ive been getting a lot of props for the curly poodle fro Ive been sporting since most peeps havent seen me since August....
There has been much ado about the Black barbershop in recent years. The movie Barbershop brought the scene of the Black barbershop to the mainstream.
While the movie was just that — a movie — many things remained true to form… such as the constituents engaging in ongoing debates about everything from music to women to sports to politics.
That shit actually happens.
Not only do we discuss such things… we're very observant as well.
For example, ladies, if you are attractive — or perhaps ugly as rubber zoo monkey but with a body that can only be described as "Ass like BANG! Titties like PLACKOW!!" — then when you came in the barbershop to drop your son off, or take your little brother, or maybe with your man, please believe the bangage of your assness and the plackowity of your tittielage is discussed in excruciating detail upon your departure.
Just FYI.
But the one place the film lacked reality, in my experience, was the female barber.
Lemme just say that a hair-cutting heffa in the shop when I was coming up was non-existant.
And if she did exist, that bitch would get NO business.
The barbershop is a place where Black men can speak their mind without fear of reciprocity from "the man" or "ol' girl." Having a heffa in the mix fucks up everything the barbershop is about… unless we can hit… which still fucks shit up, but the busted nuts would serve as temporary consolation.
Now due to the fact that I dont have hair like most Nikras.... (thanx to mi padres Cuban heritage)....Ive always been able to go to the salons where the aforementioned snowbunnies worked and get tantalizing things done to my coif....as well as being fortunate to grow up in a family of cuban and black beauticians.....(moms, 2 aunts, 2 cousins....a few jump offs...)...
Thats because since I was one of the few blessed kids in the fam with "good hurr".....(I like to call it "baby daddy hair" cuz most black chicks want a child by me, so that their kid wont have nappy hair)...so my peeps always let me wear it long and curly so they could show me off in various supermarkets, bodegas, and church functions......this resulted in me mainly getting mistaken for being a little girl....but I digress....
however.....when it came down to an actual cut.....I went to the Barber shop to get my "do" placated....
Women cuttin in barbershops was just unheard of…. and then I went away to college.......The barbershop near campus had a salon on one side and a barbershop on the other...... And sometimes when the salon was slow, some of the women would cut hair.
I strolled up in the spot one day in a mad rush to get my dome tight before going on a roadtrip for the weekend.
The wait was long as heezy and the only available barber was…. you guessed it… a freakin woman.
I think I had a panic attack!
And I think a droplet of piss escaped and stained my draws when I tensed up at the thought of a woman cutting my hair!
But a nigga was in a rush… and the worst she could do is fuck up my hair like a couple male scrubs in the barbershop had done in the past — and please believe there is always one scrub amongst the gaggle of niggas cutting hair.
So with much hesitation, I proceeded to the lady's chair and told her to hook me up.
Niggas in the waiting chairs?? — their eyes damn near popped out their head when they saw me sit down in her chair!!
"Dude is gonna let that bitch cut his hair??"
And my eyes pleaded to them as if to say, "I'm in a rush man!! They've left me no choice!!!"
When I saw her hands — with nails smothered in red fingernail polish…
Red? Yes. RED?? YES! Nail polish!!
The WORST color ever on a chocolate woman — grab her pink clippers — Pink? Yes. PINK?? YES!! Clippers!!
The most unmanly set of manly clippers ever created in the history of earth —
and ask me "how you want it??"…. dude! I almost lost it!
For a moment I contemplated dashing out of the shop like I had syphillis and just drank a gallon of Colt 45! I would have busted out of that joint so fast people would have thought my dizzle was on fizzle! But alas… I punked out.
And with red finger nail polish — yes! Red! — and pink clippers — yes! Pink! — she proceeded to cut my hair.
And I loved it.
She smelled..... so.damn.good!......And her hands were....... so.fuckin.soft!!
Everytime she touched my head.........I just had to close my eyes.
She took so much loving care into the cutting and trimming of my nappiness and did it so gently and with so much understanding… yes, ya'll…. she understood my head… my hair…. I think I fell in love for two-tenths of a second.
I almost had an Oprah moment up in that bitch!
Tears started to form… and my mascara ran… though I didn't have any on, but if I did, the shit woulda ran like FloJo on steroids.
She didn't rush through it… she didn't prod and grab and poke and grapple my shit… she loved my head like only a woman can.
I left with a smile…. maybe a piece or two of glitter on my neck… and a stiffy. Oh! and yes…. a tight cut too.
But I thought of this occurrence as an anomaly.
For to look forward to....... request even..........a woman to cut my hair would be to betray the very barbershops I had grown up on.
And for years after that, only men cut my hair… as had been in the years prior to that.
And then in 2002....when I came back to Memphis the first time..... I discovered the joy of a steady woman barber.
For the past five years only women have touched my hair.
When I was in New York....Fuck going to the neighborhood barbershop!
I went to the three Korean bitches that cut hair in the building where I worked.
I would have it no other way because, simply put….. they luv my head long time.
Mmmmmm…. and when they rubbed my head after they finished cutting with that moisturizer to keep my scalp…. umm… moisturized… and keep the razor bumps away so the back of my head isn't all fucked up lookin like a damn Bumpy McGillicutty…. mmmmm…. that was heaven.
There's simply nothing quite like having a woman rub your head… pun intended… because clearly a woman rubbing either of my heads makes birds smile and rainbows dance.
Twista and Trey Songz say it best:
When she touch me, I'm like, "OOhhhh!"/
When she love me "OOohh-OOh-whoa!"/
When she rub me, I'm like, "OOhhhh!"/
When she cut me "OOohh-Ooh-whoa!"/
Then she got me sayin/
"Giiirrllll, my hair's tight!"
And then the day came.....
And I had to get a cut, but since I'm no longer in that building....... I went to a local Black spot.
And this…
this…
…nigger
… cut my hair.
He did not love me.......Not even a little bit.
He smelled of Newports, Hotsauce covered chicken wings....and Sportin' Waves Gel Pomade........ His hands were rough and ashy...... His clippers nor his chair were immaculately kept and his nails were dirty.
There was no soft voice… only a DMX ass voice with a DC accent.
There was no gentle approach and no loving cutting.
He didn't cut my hair… he raped it...... No reach around...... No vaseline....
Not even a second of foreplay forecut.
He yanked my head to and fro and slammed the clippers into my scalp to cut what hair I had.
He spun my chair around stopping me with his elbows.
He treated me like a common whore...... And I had to pay him for this disservice!
I felt so ….. so dirty…. I needed to shower to get this man's stench and the feel of his aggressive handling off of me.
But to no avail — I am scarred for life.
He took from me what will take years to gain back and I hate him for it.
How I long for Kyung-Soon and her loving caring ways.
She loved my head like no other........ Instead, muhfuckin Jamal used me and discarded me without a second thought........ Damn nigga.
I did not wish for him to love my head as Kyung had done… that is too much to ask…. and ultra-gay to boot....... which is sooo not my style….
but a little respect for his fellow man would have suited me just fine.
He will not call me in the morning....... I just know it.....
I should file a civil suit against his ass for Kobe-ing me… and teach his Black ass not to abuse his position of power.
And then it dawned on me....... I have cut like Jamal!
Not cut as in hair, but cut as in "gimme some cut-up" and "are we cuttin or what?"
… And for you slow ass Negros and uninitiated other-than-Black-folks, to cut means to fuck....... And that nugget of knowledge isn't free…. I'm re-starting your tab....
I have been that rough, inconsiderate, prodding, poking, and probing man with no regard to the comfort of the sweet young thing fortunate enough to get pummeled by my extra-beefy jackhammer!
Shame on my inner Jamal........ Shame, I say.
Women have bitched for years about needing more foreplay and not being treated like a blow-up doll with a 98.6 degree temperature.
While "Jamal" certainly has his place in the art of coitus......"Kyung-Soon" should prevail.
I went for a hair cut, and left with this life lesson.
Life is funny that way....... Karma is a sneaky bitch… and yet, I applaud her for the lesson she taught…. analogous as it was.
All for the inflated 'hood cost of a 13 dollar hair cut…
…. yet still a bargain in the SuperCuts of life.
thanx for playin....
