This is probably long overdue for me but several things have happened in my personal life over the past few years and issues with validation and invalidation keep surfacing around me. I watch so many people trample over other's personal boundaries that it makes me cringe everytime. It took me many years before someone actually explained this concept to me but it became so clear to me that this is a major issue in our culture. I personally suffered from this ailment for the majority of my life and made it a priority to change once I understood the way I viewed other people's feelings along with my own.
I think it's sad that in our society others often feel the need to try to put us down and make us feel inadequate, inferior, and insignificant. For most of us, our feelings are continually belittled, negated, judged, rejected or ignored on a daily basis. I believe all of this is a form of invalidation.
Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying that our feelings are disapproved of, and that we are fundamentally abnormal. Implying that there is something wrong with us because we aren't like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird. None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. The more different we are, the more we are invalidated. When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities.
Telling someone they shouldn't feel the way they do is like telling water it shouldn't be wet, the sky should not be blue, grass shouldn't be green, and rocks they shouldn't be hard! Each person's feelings are real. Whether or not someone likes or understands your feelings, they are still very real to you. If someone doesn't like your feelings, I don't think they like reality. Those who try to tell you not to feel what you do are being unrealistic, as well as controlling.
Have you ever been invalidated in any of the following ways?
Being told you shouldn't feel the way you feel.
Being dictated to not feeling the way you feel.
Being told you are too sensitive.
Being ignored.
Being judged.
Being led to believe there is something wrong with you for feeling how you feel.
Those who invalidate you simply do not respect you for who you are. They would prefer you felt differently. Sometimes they demand it. Those who disrespect you and your feelings have a tendency to trespass the boundaries which protect your sense of self. When our boundaries are trespassed we feel used, violated, and insignificant. If they are in a position of power or authority over us, such as a boss, a parent or even a partner, the effect is multiplied.
I believe there are many forms of invalidation. Most of them are so insidious that we don't even know what is happening. We know something doesn't feel good, but we can't put our finger on it. We have been conditioned since childhood to think that invalidation is "normal." It appears to be extremely common, but it is certainly not healthy.
Here are some examples that I could think of.
Attempting to talk you out of your feelings:
Smile. Cheer up. Lighten up. Just get over it. Stop whining. Deal with it. Enough already. Give it a rest. Forget about it. Stop complaining. Don't look so grim. Put on a happy face. Quit your belly-aching. Don't make such a big deal out of it. Don't make a federal case out of it.
Minimizing your feelings:
I was only kidding. It wasn't as bad as you thought. It really wasn't as bad as you make it sound. You must be kidding. You can't be serious. You are making a big deal out of nothing. You are blowing this way out of proportion. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Judging & Labeling you:
You're a cry baby. You have a problem. You are too sensitive. You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned. You are way too emotional. You insensitive jerk. You are totally out of control. You need to get your head examined!
Trying to turn things around
What is your problem? What's wrong with you? What's the matter with you? Why can't you just get over it? Why can't you just let it go? Why do you always have to .... ? Is that all you do is complain? Why are you making such a big deal over it? What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke? How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Telling you how you "should" feel or act:
You should be excited. You should be thrilled. You should feel guilty. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should feel thankful that... You should be happy that .... You should be glad that ... You should just drop it. You shouldn't worry so much. You shouldn't let it bother you. You should just forget about it. You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
Even when we're happy, unhappy people want to ruin it for us by saying diminishing things like:
What are you so happy about? That's it? That's what you are so excited about?
And, if the above wasn't enough to make your head spin, there is always mockery and sarcasm:
Oh, you poor thing. I am such a mean person. I suppose you think you are the only one with problems.
When I became more aware of this process, I started noticing more invalidating comments day in and day out. Such comments take their toll on us. They literally beat us down. I often began to wonder if something was wrong with me and it started to undermine my self-confidence because I started doubting myself. Obviously this wasn't good for my self-esteem.
Being aware of the various forms of invalidation helps us in these ways:
1. You can monitor the way various people treat you.
2. You will be less likely to invalidate others.
3. You will be more able to protect yourself from its damage
Validation
The opposite of invalidation is, of course, validation. Validation is extremely nurturing. When we are validated we feel accepted and approved of just the way we are. Validation creates safety and builds trust.
Validation includes:
Acceptance without passing judgment. Acknowledgment. Respect for feelings.
Empathy. Understanding. Compassion. Non-judgmental listening
Validation is acceptance without passing judgment. It is to empathize and show understanding and compassion. Simple statements show acceptance and validation.
I hear you. I can relate. I know what you mean. I would feel the same way. I can understand how you feel. I can see you are really upset. I can tell this is really important to you.
When someone validates us, we receive what we all yearn for:
Acceptance, understanding, and a sense of connection.
For those that I have invalidated in the past - I want to sincerely apologize.
