*This is a blog that I have decided to post on both Cherry Tap and Myspace, just for the simple fact that more people may understand what I am thinking about the past few days and see why I have not quite been myself*
How do you lose something that you never had? You can’t can you? You can lose the hope and the dream of it, but you can’t lose the actual thing. So, why I am letting myself be upset over something that I never had? Because I was stupid and let myself hope that I may have found something to make me happy for once - then in an instant that was gone. I know I once wrote that hope is too hard to let die quick, but there comes a point in life when it is time to just say that is enough and I just can’t hope anymore . . . I just can’t put myself through that any more. I knew this before I did, that is why I am perceived as such a cold and unfeeling person - but those who know me know that is not true. I’m not cold and unfeeling, emotionless perhaps but not unfeeling. I just made a mistake this time is all, I let myself become emotional over someone and I knew better . . . I made a mistake.
I hate admitting that I make mistakes, I know I make them and I own up to them when I do, but damn it hurts to admit that I am only human at times, lol. I like to think that I can’t be hurt by people, and for the most part I can’t but apparently once in a while someone will slip in. Then when they do I suffer, and a great deal too. I’m not moping or frantic, or anything of the such any longer I have made peace with myself and moved on. I have accepted that things will happen if they are meant to happen and I can’t change that - nor should I try to. Forces larger than me in life bring the people to me and take them from me . . . I need not question it and just accept it as it is and expect nothing more.
Here is the way that I see the situation at hand. I found someone that made me very happy . . . Someone that I could have been very happy with. I said something about them to the wrong person and now I have no chance with the one who made me so joyful. So though I am not the one who attacked or spewed I am the one who will pay the penance. I will live with that and hope that the person somehow finds some way to see things the way that I do. I have not one bad word about them, I cherish the time that I had with them, I learned from that time, and I grew from that time . . . I can expect nothing more can I? Nope, I accept life for its ups and downs. I accept that to be happy you have to first know misery. I accept that this person has helped me to become something that I currently am not, I don’t know yet what that is, but they will have played a hand. In all reality I owe this person a thank you - but don’t know that I will ever speak to them again to deliver such a message.
So there it is - my revelation, my realization, my epiphany . . . My moment. I’ve lived, longed, desired, ached, rejoiced, hurt, cried, and accepted. I am still here and will continue to do just that. :)
