It's funny how a guy who usually never has a problem winding down, turning his mind off at night gets into trouble and can't sleep at night. It wasn't too bad, but last night it just got the best of me. Tried to lay down, then the mind kicked in. Then about the time that the mind got wound down, the heartburn kicked in. So at 3 AM I was outside getting some Rolaids from my truck.
Then to top it off even more. I am not feeling anything. I am kind of "numb." While the constants are still there, such as missing my kids, fear, and all that usual stuff, I'm not feeling the other things I should be feeling. Elation at being off this weekend. Exctacy for not being in the field. Happiness for passing both tests in class last week. Happiness at most likely still getting to go to ALC/BNCOC in April. The usual stuff just ain't making a difference in my life. I am fricking stuck.
Garth Brooks, you are a sonofabitch. This learning to live again is killing me. It's funny how a song about a new relationship can be so close in meaning to ending a relationship. It is funny how I can't find words to express what I am feeling, but yet I can find a song that expresses it so damned close. Well a few. "My Life's Been A Country Song", "I Breathe In, Breathe Out", and "No Love Songs" are a few others that are hitting pretty damned close now. There's a few others, but ya'll would laugh at me.
Why am I feeling lost? How can I be found? What am I doing in life? Am I doing things right? Does my being here make a difference in anyone's life? Are the smiles I am given real? Then there is the one I have been thinking about too much lately, but it's kind of private. Morbid, but private. I don't know anyone well enough anymore to talk them about it, so I'll keep it to myself.
Maybe I just need a drunk night. One where I have no cares in the world. Of course I'll have to hid my cell avoid Drinking and Dialing. (Listen to Darius Rucker and you will understand.) Although I have had to stop myself on more than one occasion from doing the Drunk Dialing thing prior to hearing the song.
I guess I'm just at another major crossroad in my life. Maybe I'm about to go in a direction? Maybe, just a big maybe, this is what I need. To top it off this is the wrong month for me to be doing this. Between being in class, prepping my Soldiers to deploy, and getting everything lined up for me to do all that I have to do in the next few months, I can't have myself distracted.
I have found one thing that helps me to stop my mind from going in 80 different directions. Unfortunately, it is not something I can be around often. Oh and to top it off, I decided I was going to quit smoking yesterday. Well that got shot out the fricking window this afternoon. Like I said. I can't be busy enough. Regardless of what I am doing, my mind is going too far, too fast, in too many directions. Concentration is out the window, well most of the time. There is that one thing that lets my mind rest for a few. But once again, like everything good in life, it can't be had all the time.
I'm off to eat a grilled ham and cheese and drink a few beers. Wish me luck, and if ya got an idea of what in the hell is making me think this much, let me know in private.
"My Life's Been A Country Song"
[Verse 1:]
Now I know how Merle Haggard felt when he sang the words mama tried
And I've lived those teenage
Friday nights the pyrmid of cans in the pale moon light
And that Summer Becky broke my heart
Alabama sang old flame burnin'
Well I've danced with George Strait
Drank with George Jones
My life's been a country song.
[Chorus:]
It's all about fallin' down and gettin' back up
Your good times and hard luck
True love and amazing grace
Workin' all week for a back ache
Raisin' caine, Friday nights, Sunday church to set it right
They can write it on my stone,
My life's been a country song.
[Verse 2:]
Now I know how Paycheck felt when he told his boss he can take his job and shove it
And I've had the girl that made me say
'I like it, I love it, I want some more of it'
And I'll always remember just where I was when the world stopped turnin'
Through the good and the bad,
The right and the wrong
My life's been a country song.
[Chorus:]
It's all about fallin' down and gettin' back up
Your good times and hard luck
True love and amazing grace
Workin' all week for a back ache
Raisin' caine, Friday nights, Sunday church to set it right
They can write it on my stone
My life's been a country song.
[Bridge:]
It's been the words when I couldn't find 'em.
A friend when I've been alone.
It's been the toast to things to remember, the strength for movin on...
[Chorus:]
It's all about fallin' down and gettin' back up
Your good times and hard luck
True love and amazing grace
Workin' all week for a back ache.
Raisin' caine, Friday nights, Sunday church to set it right.
They can write it on my stone
My life's been a country song.
Oh my life's been a country song
