I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES
ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air
Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I
can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots
because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform
24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a
fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the
only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact
that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because
I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I mean "Basic
Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing
less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around
like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay
home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I
will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will
arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at
1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training
whatsoever that will help me get a job upon
separation, and will end up working
construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army
giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam. So Help Me God!
