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What are you waiting for?
My life has changed immensely over the past 6 months. So much so that I feel like my head is spinning. I don't know where I'm going or why I'm going there. I just keep moving along as if I'm on some predetermined track from which there is no escape.
Funny that I use that word "escape". Like I'm in prison or something. It often feels like it as of late.
I think I want out of this relationship.
What relationship, you say? Well...that's a long, sordid tale. Suffice it to say that I met him, fell madly in love with him, and now I can barely look at him without wanting to punch his fucking face in.
When a relationship begins, it's hard to find fault with the person you're attaching yourself to. Maybe they're putting their best foot forward. Maybe you just want it so bad that you don't notice their faults. Maybe,,,just maybe...you don't WANT to notice their faults. Perhaps you are so in love with the idea of that person and of being in love that nothing else registers until it's too late. And, five months into this thing, it's definitely too late.
He used to make me happy. He used to listen to me and share his thoughts and always seem to know the right things to say and do. That, my friends, lasted all of a month before it wore thin.
I feel like I'm not respected. I feel like I'm just here to fill up space. He hides away a huge chunk of himself and keeps secrets and tells silly little lies. He compares me to his exes...and refers to women as "bitches" or "heifers"...making me feel like I'm lumped into that category along with all the rest of them. When I'm upset, he won't even let me finish a sentence as to WHY I'm upset. He just assumes he knows what I'm going to say...as if he's heard it all from the women before me and I couldn't possibly be any different. He says and does things that make me feel insignificant and used and unattractive.
And he keeps saying he loves me. When we fight and I ask him to please leave, he refuses to go. He just sticks around waiting for me to give in and be willing to try again and, like an idiot, I usually do. At this point, I think my giving in has less to do with the fact that I love him and more to do with me not wanting to go back to being alone.
I waited 8 years for THIS?
I don't trust him. I feel like I'm walking around on eggshells all the time...in my own home. I cringe when he moves too quickly...waiting for an explosion that, all too often, comes. My kids don't like him...most of my friends [who loved him in the beginning] no longer want to come around because they can't stand his company. I've reached the point where I am creating petty little arguments over the smallest things simply because I'm always so goddamn irritated. And, through it all, here I am. I'm sitting at this computer at 12:39 AM when I have to work at 5...all because I don't want to lay in bed beside him.
Am I crezy here? Have I just gone off the motherfucking deep end?
Somewhere inside there is a man that I adore. Smart, funny, gentle, kind, blunt, and amazing in the sack.
I just can't see that man anymore. And I'm not sure I'm willing to wade through all the fucking bullshit until I catch a glimpse of him again. I'm not so certain that he's worth it.
Does that make ANY sense at all?
