I didn't have three years for her to catch up.
Hot body, cool talks
but that's where it stopped.
It's come out that I'm a bastard.
"You're not pretty enough"
"You're not smart enough"
"You're not great enough".
What am I vetting?
A fuck, a partner or a superior?
I really don't remember anymore.
Why is it that my breath is shorter than my attention span?
I can get practically anything I need conversationally out of a friend
but I need sex,
and someone I can stand spending every day with.
Is this like getting payed to have an opinion?
I put it on hold for a while, pay the bills
and still manage to have an opinion.
All the peices are there,
but strewn about the nonsense horizon of my expectations.
Wait... I tried that.
Just sex, hold the meaning
all meaning, sex on the side
It didn't work.
What to fucking do...
Keep fighting the good fight
as a tidal wave of time and loss of looks bears down?
Is there even such a thing as a "perfect woman"
a "perfect relationship"
and more importantly, am I too jaded to not just pounce on "good enough"
or
"hey, at least she digs me"?
I don't know myself anymore
I certainly haven't the slightest clue on the rest.
Where do I see myself in five years?
Paid.
A better chef.
A better writer.
My dog will be too old to misbehave.
And... that's all I see.
Terrifying, isn't it?
I think the key is meeting a woman I respect
and I can still ask her to lick my shaft
as I sit on a throne of gold and bones
watching cartoons and wearing a lopsided crown.
Some cookies would be nice with that fantasy too.
Respect is the key, but so is that unearthly passion that comes over me
those digging bites
that gnawing anticipation
those repeated explosions of blow
by blow
by blow
that escape of my humanity in a husky gasp.
I haven't felt that in... never
with respect that is.
This is the part where the rage comes.
Some wall will get hit
some pseudo-violent erotic fantasy or reality will roll to the surface of my mind's eye
and I'll be stuck here without a throat to squeeze,
or a cervix to bruise.
Or a good tall long neck of hooch to down.
Am I undeserving of physical gratis?
Even at the cost of say... fifty bucks
or letting some mean trick crash at my place,
We all know that's not the scope of the problem
but even that rudimentary element escapes me.
But I need a molecule
stable, balanced and attracted
not a standalone, or a single flavor.
In chemistry it would be simply expressed
equal parts lust
equal parts love
the sum of two, high quantities of each.
The sum would be greater than the parts
with an explosive reaction.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
