Well, here it is, 3 weeks since she said that she was leaving, and I am in the same spot I was in 3 weeks ago. Lost, confused, and feeling so alone.
For the last 3 weeks, she has been telling me she would make sure I got to spend time with the kids. She would get them to me, she would have them at the airport when I get off the plane, and all of this other stuff, now she is saying she is going to try. I love her, but she keeps pushing me towards the edge a bit more and more. She wonders why I am so against her moving so far from me. I know now why she wants to move so far from me. That way she can hold something else against me.
I keep getting hurt, and she keeps saying but I thought you wanted to be my friend. Well, friends don't do what she keeps doing to me. I try to talk to her, and she shuts me down, she dodges questions. She keeps saying she doesn't avoid the questions, but she does.
Last night, I mentioned that I am scared to death of what is coming down the road, she told me to cut the crap. These fears have me waking up sweating everyday for the past week and a half. They were something I had hidden away, and I would say I wanted this. Now I can't hide anymore. I have to face my fears.
I am liable to be going to Ft Hood come September. I found out on Saturday my CO was recommending disapproval on my request for Consecutive Overseas Tour. I spoke to her about it today, and she said she couldn't and wouldn't change her mind on it.
So I spoke to my personnel section, and they said most of the time, someone is not on assignment when they request the COT. They also told me that the unit I was going to was a higher priority than my current one, so there would be a fair chance that my assignment would not be changed. So for now, I am going to plan for the worst, and expect the best.
Maybe I should just rotate back to the states, be unable to afford child support, gas in my truck, or a place to live. That way I will make sure and get a place to live, 3 meals a day, and a cot. Then she wouldn't have to worry about me wanting to see the kids. Maybe I should just go back, scrimp every cent, and call in every favor anyone has ever owed me and then just redeploy. Maybe that is what she wants, maybe she wants me to redeploy. Maybe she actually wants me in combat. Maybe she wants something to happen, because as much as I would like to, I'll never be able to completely disinherit her because of the boys. Hell I don't know her anymore. She is not the same woman she was on 10 May.
I just don't know anything anymore. I know that I want to start my life over, but every time I think I can, she knocks my leg out from under me. She took the wind from my sails, and now she is after my crutch.
I'm just going to take a few days off. I'm going to put in my pass and go down and have my 3 beers a day for 4 days. Maybe the flights will get canceled, and I can have a couple of extra days of 3 beers. Hopefully we won't have to dodge any incoming friendly Patriots like they did a few weeks ago.
I know, almost all of my blogs have been downers lately, and I am sorry, maybe I'll finally turn the right corner soon. There's something that she does to me that just makes me feel like I am in a maze looking for the right corner. I want to talk to her, but when she sounds like it is a major inconvenience anytime she hears my voice, what is a guy to do? I can't completely excommunicate her from my life, she is the mother of my boys, and she is the primary guardian.
I'm just lost. I feel like no one understands, and like I am going through this all alone. I feel like she is moving on with her "happy" life just too damned fast to have any remorse.
