Why is my head spinning, why is my heart pounding, why does my chest hurt, why is my skin crawling, why wont the tears stop flowing, why are the wall closing in, why do i still care so much, why does my heart ache, why is my jaw clenched, why cant i breathe, am i covered in hives, why cant i sleep, why cant i eat, why wasn't i good enough, why couldn't i fix it, why am i so lost, why couldn't we just take a break, why try and take my daughter, why force me up against a wall, why tell me you hate me, why cant i be loved, why cant i love enough to heal the cracks, why couldn't i have friends, why couldn't you just talk to me, why couldn't we get help, why couldn't we go to counseling, why cant you lust make a clean break, why cant you love me for me, why cant you see that money doesn't mean anything to me, why did you have to play dirty, why did you stray, why did you stray so many times when i was here and all yours, why wasn't i ever good enough, why couldn't you see me, why couldn't you let me in, why why couldn't you trust me, why did you take it there, why did you say that, why did you consonantly tell me i was no one, why did you leave me for here to come back and be miserable, why couldn't you ever see that i was there in your corner, why couldn't you see i was eaten alive with worry for what was to come with all of your legalities, why couldn't you see me as your equal, why couldn't you love my son, why did you stop loving my other son, why was our daughter a bother, why couldn't you be here for me, why couldn't you be there fro them, why did you scream at them, why did you call them names, why couldn't you ever help me with the house, why did you make me feel like it was all unappreciated, why couldn't we be a team, why did i fail you, why did you stop loving me, why was i no longer a person to you, why did my thoughts never matter, why did my words go unheard, why would you try to take my kids from me and leave me no options but a restraining order to protect them, why did you go for the throat, why couldn't you just put the bottle down, why did you have to get "lost in grass", why couldn't we do it, why couldn't you just quit calling, why couldn't we just go our separate ways, why did you tell me you wanted to leave, why did you tell me you didn't want to be married to me any more, why when you left, did you and your whole family forget about 2 little boys who love you and so desperately just wanted your approval, why was it my fault for you having a tazwell warrant, why did you think i knew if YOU didn't know, why did you do everything possible to make sure the kids and I loose everything, why would you shut off the phone and want the rest of the stuff off too, why not give me a chance to get ahead without your help instead of trying to bury us in a hole with no way out, why after all of that do you call and tell me you love me and the kids, why did you wait till all that was done to tell me you needed me, why did you call and say that and follow it with more blame, why do you think this is about money, why cant you see its about us, why cant you see its about my kids growing up all fucked up, why cant you see its about me wanting to be somebody , why cant you see its about you not being happy,
did you know that i still love you, did you know that i don't want to divorce you, did you know that I feel like its all my fault, did you know that i can see that it all isn't just me, did you know that i wanted to keep you in my children's lives, did you know i wanted us to both be better people.. so we can be better parents to 3 kids that never asked to be stuck in this, did you know i am so wracked with worry and guilt my hair is falling out and I have slept a total of 22 hours in 5 days, did you know that when i called the police again, i thought all your warrant stuff was cleared up, did you know i just wanted to get you served with the papers, did you know that i never went to the bank with the intentions of leaving you wiped out, did you know i just wanted to take the kids to the movie you promised them, did you know that i was just trying to buy toilet paper, did you know i worried about you everyday, did you know that i didn't do any of this to try and hurt you
Do you know that i was tricked tonight, do you know that i am physically ill , do you know that i am shaking so hard that i can hardly type, do you know that i am in tears and literally freaking out, do you know that when they said they weren't serving you with the papers.... that you had more warrants i vomited on the spot, do you know i am on hour 5 almost 6 of a full blown panic attack, do you know i am actually trying to figure out how the hell to come up with your ridiculously high bond, do you know i even now am more worried about what you are feeling than me, do you know that i keep hearing you say" i just wanted to hear your voice one more time, and if i go to jail it was worth it just to hear your voice"., do you know i just want to go back to December 6 03 and start over, do you know i just wanted us to be sain
i hope someone knows, because i don't. my heart is torn into a million pieces, and my mind is playing tricks on its self, i don't know up from down or left from right. I know what we were living was wrong. but i know that i lived and still live for those few precious moments of happiness we shared together. I know every relationship is hard, and anything worth having doesn't come easy. But i couldn't fix what was so terribly broken, i didn't & still don't know. I know i love you, i know i always will. I know i want that best for you, and jail is not it. I dont want you there. I wanted to fix things, not make it worse. Everything I touch turns to shit and my best intentions turned into one of the worst scenarios possible. I'm sorry. And i know you will probably never even see this. But i don't have anyone to talk to, and no one understands anyway. They either get mad at me for caring, or mad at me for what has happened. I just wanted to take control of my life and get myself financially sound. I wanted a better life for the kids, and for us to heal,... and know all this has blindsided me. And I don't know if any of us can come back from it intact. I feel guilty, and I'm sorry to you and the kids. I ruined it all again for all of us. I thought we could get fixed, and maybe be a real family, and a real marriage someday. But i don't know how that will ever happen now. i am so so so sorry
