Your coffin is up on blocks.
Your pick up truck is up on headstones.
Your hearse has a shotgun rack
Your wife-beater shirt is black.
Your coon dogs are named Bela and Lestat.
You have a pair of black latex overalls, with no crotch.
You have hickeys with fang marks.
You check the blood type of your victim with a dipstick.
You don't have two front teeth, but you do have fangs.
Your banjo is made of human bone.
Your blood comes in a box
You hold late night walks and poetry readings, in a junkyard.
You think Johnny Cash has "pretty lips"
Your coffin is lined with a velvet confederate flag
Your hearse's horn plays the first few notes of Dixie, in D minor.
Your hearse has Playboy mudflaps.
You have a Moon tan line when wearing a short sleeve shirt.
Your coffin liner is black and grey plaid.
Your hearse is jacked up and sports deer lights.
You smoke cloves in a corncob pipe.
You dye your sheep black.
You have elbow length black latex gloves, covered in pig shit.
You midwived the cow your leather boots came from.
That's engine grease on your face, not makeup.
Your bull's nose is pierced 6 times.
Even your teeth are black.
Your hearse has its doors welded shut.
You have a black velvet Elvis painting, postmortem.
Your hearse has a trailer hitch.
Your PVC/Fishnet shirt has your name on the pocket.
You burn upside down crosses.
You paint your pet gator black.
It's easier to get a pet alligator than a rat.
Your wife, mother, sister and dominatrix are all the same person.
Fucking your sister involves digging her up first.
Your beer cans have fang marks
You get up at 4 AM every morning to collect eggs from the raven coop.
Someone yells "Hoedown!" and your dominatrix hits the floor.
You have an Elvira pinup in your outhouse.
You claim that the bullet holes in your broken television set show your 'artistic side' and reflect your 'distaste for the media.'
You love Skinny Puppy......with taters and gravy.
Your top hat has a "John Deer" patch on the front.
You have a red flannel trenchcoat.
You brand your cattle with the Bauhaus logo.
You buy your makeup from the hardware store.
You make bondage jewelry out of old tires.
Your face is paler than your hood.
You have a bumper sticker on your pickup truck that says "The Dead Will Rise Again!"
You have a giant pentagram belt buckle.
Your coffin has a side-mounted spitoon.
You have a flatbed hearse.
Barbed wire is not only functional but a fashion statement for your house.
You have spent your life perfecting black corn.
You write depressing poetry about your "Achey Breaky Heart."
Your closing remark at a funeral is "Y'all come back now, hear?"
