So as I began reading your writings I began to remember the hurt. How absolutly devestated I was when I realized the truth of what was never going to happen. You are a Joni Mitchell song to me. I could have gotten drunk on you for the rest of my life had you been ready to make that move with me. I could have been in love with you for eternity, I could have loved you and said it and meant it. But that was not the case of you, you were willing to give me. You were willing to give me the same things you were giving every other girl you knew. Not a week went by without me thinking about what could have been. And now I'm willing to give that up. I want to Make a case of him. I want to get drunk off of him. I want him to know he gets me to places no one has ever been with me before. He is someone I will probably fall in love with, someone who will love me the way I've so long wanted to be loved. He is worth taking your place in my heart and mind. You can still be in my life, but not the way that you want. You want 21 year old Rachel, and I'm no longer her. I am confident, I am not pathetic, I am not needy, I am not soo much of what I used to be. I am flawed to a point that you would probably love me, because I no longer hide who I am. Am I just at writing this in a blog? Do I have cause to make you read what you could have been to me? Would I ever allow the hurt to happen again? I'm not sure all that I am sure about is that he laughs, and jokes, and makes me feel wonderful. He is you just a little different, he calls when he says he will, he appreciates me in a way i never thought anyone ever would. So I'm not going to allow the hurt to take me over again, it's just bad timing I guess you could call it. I'll still miss you from time to time, that is granted, but I need to see if he makes me, something you never could, I was never enough for you, you needed all those others, and how am I to know that you aren't the same way now?.....
