Sometimes I feel like I bother people. Not the normal, " oh she gets on my nerves sometimes", but all the time. It;s nto with everyone though. There are a few people who I don't feel this way towards, i.e. Jessee, Di, Cory, Becca, my grandparents and my Aunt Kathy. Other than that, I feel like I annoy people. Hence the reason I may not talk much in a box or I get quiet on the phone. Even when you give me your number or IM name and tell me, " You can call/talk to me anytime." I even sit online sometimes when I see someone I wanna talk to and just wait to see if they'll IM me. I don't want to bother them. I think I've always been this way, a few years at least. Maybe part of it is from the fact that I don't want to look " obsessive". I've been called that before, but I'm an openly affectionate person. I love to show people how they make me feel and I want the ones I love to know I love them. I think the other part of me being this way is the relationship I have with my mother. I've laways had to fight for her attention and approval(and i still do to this day). I've always felt like I was a bother to her. I hated asking her for anything or to do anything. I felt like a burden. I never felt good enough and it seemed like nothign I did was right. I remember the first song I wrote(that I was actually proud of). It's titled "Slipping." It was my first attempt at that style of writing. My sister, Becca, and I had sat down in our room and wrote together. we were *so* thrilled at the outcome and decided, " let's do show mom". Becca showerd her piece first. You would think she had scored a free trip to the Vatican City to spend a day with the Pope. Mom ranted and raved. She made phone calls and told all of her online friends. She even told my sister she was going to type it up and laminate it(and she did). So Becca's turn was done. Mom kept her poem at the computer desk and went back to the computer. I stood there. She didn't say anything. I stood there a minute longer and nothing. Finally, I said, " Mom..." and she answered with a what? I showed her my paper, asked her to read it, told her I something I wanted her to read, whatever it was that I said. She took the paper and I watched her. She didn't even read all of it. She skim-read my song, handed it back to me, and with barely any tone in her voice said, " that's good." I was crushed. I think I went back to my room and cried. I've never shown my mother anything else I've written. I have at least 159 more pieces I've written since that day. My mom not only made me feel like uber shit in that moment, but she made me feel like I had bothered her. Like some kind of annoyance and it continued on from there. Maybe it's been like this long before that, but that moment is the place in time that I discovered it for myself. I know I don't bother everyone all the time, but I can't help but feel that. I've been rejected so many times by my mother that it's hard to fathom the idea that I'm not always on everyone's nerves. I do try though. I do my best to shove that idea out of my head, but now that the only person who ever made me feel like me has stopped loving me and recently ended our two and a half year relationship, i feel it all over again. Don't get me wrong, we both agreed to it and I'm not in the, "omg how do I live" state, I just feel a tad bit insecure. Could you blame me? I know I'll love again. i know I can find someone who loves both me and my son for who we are. Who know, I may have found them already and not know it yet. I jus tknow I want to work on this flaw of mine. It's something I need to do. It's that one step that leads me closer to finding out who I am and help me become me.
