I have never written in a diary or journal before. So I may be alittle rusty, but here goes nothing. I am going to start at the very beginning of my life. The first memories I can remember is when I was probably around 8 or 9 years old and I went with my family to Cedar Point. I remember standing around the kiddie rides with my father. The most memorable moments I had as a child was riding the roller coasters with my father, as well as Christmas time when the whole family would meet up at my Grandparents for a Christmas exchange. Everyone would be there from cousins, to those long lost Uncles and Aunts, to family members I only had met for the first time. Those were the days. Now at age 23, I have experienced so many things that I thought would never happen, or that perhaps I never thought could happen.
My first relationship would probably be an online one. Her name was Alice Gull. She was from Cedar City, Utah. We met online and created VHS tapes of each other and sent them to each other as well. My first internet love, but when it came time for her to go to college, we lost contact and she moved away and I totally lost where she was. I am currently thinking of taking up the challenge of hunting her down. I am still debating on that. There was the first date, first BLIND date, I should say, for some reason I was very stupid and my hopeless romantic part of me got the best of me and I am not quite sure but I came into some money. She had lived in Urbana and so therefore I hired a limo for 12hrs, went down (2.5 hr drive) picked her up, took her to a candlelight dinner which wasn't really affordable, but I wanted to do it. And I allowed her to choose whichever movie she wanted to see. Do not forget the flowers I gave her when I got there to pick her up. :-) Anyway, at the end of the date, she came over to me and gave me a hug and said she would talk to me tomorrow... tomorrow came and went....nothing... Then came other relationships afterwards. Beth, Mandy, Melanie, Monica, and the one I had spent the most time with in a relationship... Amy, she was 2 yrs older than me. We had met on December 31, 1998 through Yahoo Personals. She had a child who was around 3-4 Months old. After about 3 months of dating, we had a challenge which came to me. It seems one day she was surfing the internet and she had gotten message by this guy named Willie McCoy. From what I had heard when I went over and saw that this guy was messaging her and telling her she should dump me and go after him. I went home, got online and told him to back off, cause she was already spoken for, and in return, he told me, if I was that afraid of losing her, I do not deserve her and he's going to steal her away from me. About a month went by and I went over to see her and she was at the door and told me she didn't think our relationship was going to work cause she really likes another guy. I immediately realized who it was and questioned her, "is it Willie?" She responded that, yes it was him. Therefore I just left her there. I didn't put up a fight or anything. Life went on and I got over it, about 3-4 months later, I had met Amy Luther from WV, we had been talking for a about a month or so and I wanted to meet her so badly and she wanted to meet me, so I went and sent her a bus ticket to come up and see me. Again, I was foolish and the romance side got the best of me, and beings I made such good friends with this Limo service, I got a bit of a discount and had the limo come down and pick her up at the bus stop and when the weekend was over, drop her back off. Anyway, while she was there, visiting me... I had gotten an e-mail from my ex (Amy). She stated in the letter that she had made a big mistake and she was sorry for what she had done and she wanted to meet me. My current girlfriend at the time, came back and asked me what I was doing and I said she was my ex and there was nothing to worry about. The time came and went quickly and she went back home, regardless of how much we didn't want to part. A couple days later the relationship started to fall apart and she was always in a crabby mood and I just stopped calling cause she was always mad and took it out on me constantly. I went back to the e-mail wrote by my ex and saw that she wanted to meet and so I said to myself, what could it hurt? so I agreed to meet her at a McDonald's. Well I was stupid and fell back for her, the feelings weren't completely gone. They just were awaken by seeing her again and seeing her child who was alittle grown up a bit and looking slightly different, as did she... We moved in together after about 6 months, we moved to Delaware, OH, in mine and her's first apartment, which was a pigstine. I didn't think the place was THAT bad, but she sure did. I mean, it was livable enough to not really have much to complain about, everything worked. A couple months passed by and I actually starting thinking she was the one I was going to be with for the rest of my life, so I gave in, and lost myself to her. Little did I know that in 2.5 yrs from then she would cheat on me with a married guy who has two kids... I will explain alittle bit more in detail. I had went down to Nashville, TN, with my cousin, Paul. We had went to go see the Country Music Hall of Fame and see some other stuff that was down there and perhaps me sing at a couple of clubs to see what's up and see if I got cheered or booed. Well, shortly after we got down there I called home to let her know I was there safe and I got her mother and she told me that Amy was still at work and was tired and didn't want to drive home and just was going to stay at her friend's house. Which really boggled me, cause her one friend, she was referring to, lived the same distance as home did. So I started thinking something is up. So I called her work and they said she had left. I then called her friend and she said she was working for another hour and she didn't know where she was. My cousin then told me to not worry about it and I should trust her, therefore I did and just tried my hardest to just let it go and have fun. The following morning came without warning and we went to the Opry Mills Mall and I went over to the phones to give Amy a call and see how things were going. She answered the phone in an unsure tone and I asked her if there was something wrong with our relationship and she rsponded as to, "Yea, I thinks so" Well I immediately knew something was going to happen before we got off the phone. Without much time given, she spoke again, "I do not love anymore and I am not happy being with you. I want you to pack up and get out when you get back and I do not want you to come back." Well what can ya do??? heheh, well I went ahead and got off the phone shortly there after and had a depressing 1.5 days left of that vacation. I did not feel like doing anything at all. Just cry and think of what I could have possibly have done wrong. I got back and packed up my stuff and left. About 2 days later, I called to leave a message on the answering machine for the little boy, who had just started to call me daddy and was just about 4 yrs old. To my surprise, a guy answered the phone. Turns out it was her ex boyfriend from school. Anyway, to make a long story short, she was cheating on me for about a month or two, or even 3, who knows really... I just know about 1-2 months. It took me around 3-4 months to completely get over both of them. Which was harder to get over the little boy, she didn't want me to have any contact with him at all. I didn't understand, and still don't to this day. But it's a lost cause trying to figure out. Anyway, since then, I've had dates, such as Tasha, who lives in Lansing, MI. We were talking awhile and I went up for our first date, and she tells me she likes someone else. I just don't understand it, she lets me drive all that way and waste all that time and money, just so she can tell me she likes someone else. Hmmmm.... don't know...then I started talking and liking this girl from Washington D.C, so me and a friend drove clear over there and within 20 minutes of getting there, she suddenly remembers she has a family reunion that she somehow forgot all about and then I get back home and she writes me and tells me I was never her type in the first place, she just didn't want to be mean. hmmmm again.... Then there was Misty, she lived 15 minutes from me. On our first date she talked about her daughter who was tooken from her when she was 1 yr old and she hasn't seen her since and she has no way of getting there and she plans on saving money up and going to see her. Well I did some research and found out where her daughter was and one day I went over and we were going to have one of our dates and I got her in the car and all that wonderful stuff and she was all ready to go and asked, "where we going?" and I said, "to see your daughter." She was unbelievably excited, I swear, I have never been jumped like that before, I thought she was going to kill me or something, the way she got all excited and smiling, I was scared to death.... But she told me that I won her over and that no guy has ever done that before, they say they will, but they never did and she said she had to run into the house and get some stuff she had bought her a year or so ago for Christmas. I drove about an hour west of Indianapolis, IN. If you look it up and try to do the mileage, we're talking about probably 4-5HR drive. Whhheeeewwwww, I have drove lot....hehehe anyway, on our way back, she tells me, she could only see me as being a friend and doesn't want anything more cause her ex boyfriend is going to be getting out of jail soon and she wants to go back to him. Which I never knew he was in jail. So I got screwed over again. Then lately, there was this girl from Tallahassee, FL. A 13Hr drive, one way. Anyway, We had talked for a couple of weeks, close to a month and so I decided, hey, I'm bored and I really wanna meet her and she wants to me, so without thinking of that history repeats itself, I went. I was in such Heaven while I was down there. Everything was precious and she was precious, she was so beautiful when we went out to eat dinner, wearing a nice black dress, oh my, I could have died when I saw her for the first time in that black dress, so breathless and full of beauty. I wanted to live in that moment forever. Just me and her with the greatest of all evenings. She didn't want me to leave when it was time for me to come back home. She kissed me goodbye and told me to becareful and so I left, I did stay down there for 3 days. 3 magically precious days that will live on in my memory forever. About 2 days after I got back, it seemed like this dream was about to end and I was waking up to my reality, my true hell, To be alone....... She told me she wanted us to back off a bit and thought it'd be best that we didn't talk 24/7. So I agreed and then the following day, she told me she didn't know if we were going to work out being together. So again, I agreed, cause I wanted things to work, so badly. I prayed and went to church and asked God for his guidance and help. That was the last time I heard or talked to her. I feel so much to blame, I don't know what exactly I did, but I feel to be the blame for what happened. Perhaps I tried too hard, but God knows I never wanted anything more than that to work out. But it didn't happen, she disappeared, her mother said she moved back down to where she use to live, which is where she lived with her ex, the father of her daughter, Sabrina, who is 2 yrs old. I did also get a chance to spend time with her, I took her to Chuck E. Cheese, I had so much fun with both of them. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. Just like Garth Brook's song, "The Dance" He was so honored and felt so privledged to have one dance with this woman he thought the world of, and regardless of how it turned out in the end, regardless of the pain he went through, he still wouldn't have missed that one special night to where he was with her and shared one precious memorable moment to where he held her in his arms and felt like no other guy could. It was worth all the pain and suffering to share one special moment with that woman he thought the world of. Now that's how I feel about Holly. I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the date. The date is where I held her in my arms, I kissed her goodnight and wished her sweet dreams and parted with our last and final kiss goodbye.... And that is where I am now. I just had a dream about her, it has been 2 weeks since she disappeared out of my life. The dream was very wonderful indeed, but due to the fact that I had to wake up, it turned into a bad dream. Holly and I found each other again and we got back together and she came up for a visit and shared many more memories together. In the dream, I was in Heaven, just as I was in real life a couple weeks ago. But now that it's over, I'm standing on the border of Heaven and Hell...slowly fading into Hell, as to the dreadful fact that who knows, perhaps I will never be happy and always have worries of being cheated on... Will I ever gain what most people wish for, or will a guy who has alot of confidence on being different always be the one who is left out of love and those who take love for granted will always have it and treat it badly, but will never lose it....?? Who knows. Time will only tell........TO BE CONTINUED....
Andy
