I sit here..peering inside myself..as the tears run down my cheeks.. wondering ...how did i get this way?.... what is wrong with me...how can one person feel so much pain?...I can renmeber even as a young child being so miserable because i was convinced that i was this terrible person... I remeber actually enjoying physical punishment because it was a pain that went away and a pain that distracted from the torment that was ripping through my chest....belts and fists to ease the suffering. As a teen things got worse.. I internalized everything and was so starved for affection that i would emotionally leech onto the first person that bestowed even the slightest bit of affection on me... and the hurt with my parents got worse.. my father was an abusive man that i chose to sever ties with at the age of 7, and my mother was always focused on her her work and the new man of the time, wich for most of my growing up was my stepfather. I never came right out and told my mom the hell that he was putting me through, I know she knew and chose to turn the other cheek. For one, she always took his side on everything and two she would get so frustrated she would blow up on me and it was just worse for me in the long run. I never understood why he was so cruel and mean to me..he was so twisted. I remeber once when i was about 13 i asked my "dad" as i called him , if he would love me forever(another desperate cry for affection) and his response was..."untill you start spreading your legs..then your just a whore." What kinda person says that to an emotionally stunted 13 year old that still plays with barbies? I was so painfully shy i had never even held a boys hand in public till i was 14! Christ i was 16 when i first kissed a boy for gods sake!!! I used to keep it all walled up,.still do actually. But i would sometimes when no one was around scratch myself..or scream crazily as i beat the tree in our back yard with a bat as tears poured down my cheecks.I know..more freaky than not, but it was the only out i had..no blogs back then..and a diary was not safe in my house. My stepdad made sure i had no freinds,,and kept all boys away. My version of a high school romance was watching movies in my living room with my parents or phone calls where my dad listened on the other line. I was not even allowed to go to a freinds home untill my parents ahd met them at least 2x..which meant hanging at my house while he treated them like dirt...and they had met their parents and liked them. And at anypoint if he decided he didnt like someone..that was it..my mom backed his everyword..i was not allowed to have them as my freind.And by that time many were too put off to deal with what being my freind would entail. So i had a very small but select group of a few freinds when i was growing up..and only one real boyfreind, whom i dated on and off from the 6th grade till my sophmore year of college. And even he was mentally and phsically abusive at times.
I was nothing to him (my stepdad) but a house slave and personal whipping post. And the emotional abuse was intense. I remeber being made to serve his every beckoned call for him. If he wanted something i had to go fetch it or cook it ect... no questions asked. We would be sitting there watching something and he would decide he wanted a peanut butter sandwich..so i would have to miss the movie and go make him one..and he would inpecst the inside..and if the p.b. was not spread just so..all the way to every edge and a consistant thickness,, i would be made to go fix it till it was to his likeing. And when i was grounded..it would be for months at a time..no phone..no freinds..and i would have to ask permission to move from the livivng room chair. I had to ask to use the restroom..to bathe..to shave my legs when i was bathing..to get a drink of water.. to eat..and to speak to anyone that visited our home. And the most painfull part was my mom just sat there, and if i would try and talk to her about it later she would say somthing like,..i swear I can't stand it you two are always arguing,, i don't want to hear it.
When i was finally allowed to venture out of the house.. it had to be with my little sister who was treated like a premadonna..and was actually there as an informant for what i did to my dad. And even the friend was hand picked by my dad..she was a daughter of a family freind..so he could have her parents under his thumb as well.
I could go on for hours..but it hurts to much to keep going. I think that all of this has led to the way i was living my life. I kept picking the wrong people to let into my life. Ones that preyed on my weaknesses and then shredded me. Freinds and lovers both... only the few good freinds from junior high and high school that i have been blessed with, ones that were in my same boat or had their own special circumstances remain. My rocks..and one freind I have made online..who actually has had similar experiances. Ben, Theresa , Liberty ,Dan,Jeff, Cheryl, Katy and my newest addition Traci.They are the only ones who have been there for me through thick and thin..loyal and true. I have had a few others that have peered through the woodwork every now and then..but these are my pillars of true freindship. Ones who give sometimes more then they take.
They are ones who I can not speak to for months at a time and pick right back up. I truley want to thank you all..as i would truley be lost in this world without you all.
I guess i am writing this blog to get through a gloomy day..one that has felt cold and stormy. I have been taking care of my 3 very ill children..and tradgically forgot my mother's birthday. She got drunk and called me to tell me what an inconsiderate selfish little whoring bitch I am. Those were her exact words. I understand her anger,... but there have been plenty of years when i was forgotton while away at college..or she was just too busy with her life to call. And my little sister had some choice phrases to add her two bits in as well. I have no good excuse.. I feel terrible..i knew it was "Saturday"..but all day i hadn't had time to think of what day it was.. granted i spent like 3 hours or so decompressing online... but my mind was everywhere but on the day of the week. Oh well..i apologized a dozen times over..with no prevail... I was stil not really forgiven. I don't know if i blame her..but i think her approach was crass and without warrent. I go out of my way to bend over backwards for them, i fly back home..over a hundred miles round trip when my mom calls and needs me to go to the bank because shes about to bounce checks,..or she needs something equally irrelavant to me... and my sister has no problems calling me to watch her twins for free..when she pays my mom to sit for them. Not that I would take any money.. but the offer or forethought of doing so would be nice. And neither really had the time or much enthusiam to watch my kids...my sis more than my mom. My sis has actually left me with no baby sitter with no notice because she was drunk the night before and didnt feel like it. I had like 30 minutes to be to work and had to call allover at 730 am trying to find someone willing to help. I know they both love me..and i am not saying that they have NEVER helped me out..but if and when they do.. it is always thrown back at me about how they had to loan me their car /money/or how my parenting skills are be less than desired because my kids wont sit like zombies in a chair all day and not move!! They always remeber my bad points..bu they sure don't remeber that they have a few of their own.
I love them all dearly..but I am not kidding when i say i want to get as far away as possible..like another country sometimes. Between my exes and my family and all my bad choices in life..it is all almost to much to bear sometimes. Don't freak out..i'm not going to do something stupid...although i have thought of it at times. But if you are honest with yourself..you have too... at least once.
So as i sit here..wiping away the tears and restacking the bricks... i think it's better most times to just keep to myself and hide behind this semi-sturdy wall around my heart. Sure it's rickety, mishapen..and the morter needs a good refill..but it's all i have sometimes.. I wall my self within my salf..where its safe..in that dark peacfull silence.. where i am all alone with the secrets of love and distain... I sleep...within these walls i sleep.... pensively waiting the next freight train to come smashing down all the hard work.. but i take comfort in the knowladge i can rebuild..in these walls..in the silence..where I sleep.
