(this is about my ex-husband and I and his inabilty to be a consistant parent.)
There is nothing left to say
Between us that is
We barely talk at this point
I'm fine with that
I don't really like who you are
I don't think I ever knew who you were
I guess had I been less willing to settle
I would be with someone else by now
I would not have my children
I would not be living at home again
I would have a real job
I would have a college degree
I'm ok with the fact that you are a true man
That I was not good enough to have sex with
When we were married, but now sick you want to see my body
You don't know who I am never will
I would never let you in again
I would never let you have my heart again
I am ok with all of this
I have great friends
I have amazing conversations with some of them
They even share their illnesses with me
You never liked touching my belly when I was pregnant
You never liked talking to the babies
You can't seem to see that her calling them names is not ok
I have this tendency of putting the kids first
I have this tendency of wanting to be a great parent
I have this dream that I'll meet a man that loves our kids
I have this want for two more kids
You did not like who I was when I was younger
You wanted to push that Rachel under a carpet
Never wanted real discussions
How big does the elephant have to get before you admit it is in the room
You seem to think you can hurt the boys
That maybe I'll allow it to keep happening
That I will put a blind eye to it
You don't seem to realize that
They will always come first with me.
That the few friends who have met them
Understand that the boys rule my life
That for the 72 hours a week that I don't have them
My heart hurts and is in a pain that I can't even explain
My body crumbles inside wanting to have them with me.
It is funny that my friends can hear how you talk
And with one sentence make me feel like I have won a gold medal by leaving you
Maybe I have won something
Is it my freedom or my sanity again
This I am not sure
Whatever it is because I know it is something I am happy with it
I know what makes me tick and what makes me happy.
So while we have nothing left to say
While I feel like I hate you more and more each day
Please remember you have to deal with me for 17 more years
After that the kids can make up their own minds as if they want to see you or not.
They will go to college probably on my dime
They will grow into great men again probably because of me
They will NEVER have their dreams crushed by me
But they will learn what a loser you are over time.
